A new Star Wars version is coming! I’ve included leaked quotes from Lucas’ soon to be released statement about the new edition, along with some screenshots and videos showcasing the changes. As you know, I’m a reliable source for this sort of thing.
May the Force have mercy on us all.
Lucas Introduces Extra Special Edition:
“When I first created Star Wars thirty-one years ago, I had one thing in mind: children. Are they not the most discerning and wonderful critics of all? However, when I watch Star Wars today, I realize how difficult it can still be for very young viewers. There are guns and swords and many scary aliens. Something had to be done.
That’s why I’m announcing Star Wars: Extra Special Edition – a special edition of Star Wars revised specifically with children in mind. Now you can watch Star Wars the way it was always meant to be watched: with your kids, judging it solely on the basis of their innocent smiles. I like to think of it as just one more way I can give back to the fans.” - G.L.
“In the original prints, we see our heroes shoot and kill many Stormtroopers and other villains. I think we can all agree that killing, even when justified, can be a very shocking thing for a four-year-old to see. I’ve gone back and edited out all of the instances in which blaster fire or lightsabers make contact with a body. I think this offers the definitive Han vs. Greedo print.” - G.L.
The new, "definitive" Han vs. Greedo scene:
Prettier, Less Scary Explosions:
“The CGI Death Star explosions I added to the 1997 Special Edition are one of my crowning cinematic achievements. However, I felt it was necessary to tone them down a bit for a younger audience. This was a difficult process. How do you make an effect that is explosive, beautiful, and nonthreatening all at once? Then it hit me.” - G.L.
Comparison of Death Star Explosions:
More Accessible Soundtrack:
“My kids go absolutely wild for the pop song I added to the Jabba’s palace dance scene in the ’97 special edition of Return of the Jedi. How is their dad, this really successful and imaginative director, so hip to the times?
Music is an excellent way to attract newer, younger viewers so why stop with songs that are a part of the universe? I’ve used my expert knowledge of pop culture to include a variety of tracks that truly represent what kids are listening to today.” - G.L.
MUSIC UPDATE - ANH Cantina Scene:
MUSIC UPDATE - ANH Ending Ceremony:
Billy Dee Williams Digitally Replaced:
“All of my actors know they have a responsibility to their audience as role models. I tell them this all the time, whenever they will talk to me. Billy Dee Williams’ endorsement of Colt 45 Malt Liquor encourages children to drink and compromises the integrity of Lando Calrissian. I’m pretty sure no one cares about Lando anyway.” - G.L.
Billy Dee Williams Digitally Replaced by LeVar Burton:
“In Williams’ place, I’ll be digitally inserting LeVar Burton of PBS’s Reading Rainbow series. He is an excellent role model for children and has been in Space-Something or Star Journey or whatever so he’s used to this stuff.” - G.L.
Princess Leia Less Sexy:
“You can watch Star Wars safely now, knowing that no lewd or offensive images will grace your screen. Due to the inability to reshoot some shots, CGI clothing was deemed necessary. Nevertheless, we feel we’ve stayed true to the spirit of the original outfits.” - G.L.
Early concept rendering of Leia's updated Metal Bikini:
New, Never-Before-Seen Empire Ending:
“Empire is widely recognized as the darkest film of the original trilogy, and with good reason. It has a very sad ending that can prove difficult for a young audience. I’ve gone back and slightly, yet tastefully altered the scene to make it a little bit less ominous.” - G.L.
New ESB ending:
Collector’s Edition Art Book:
“Like many of my fans, I love collecting Star Wars merchandise and I love delving into the art of the universe. That’s why I’ve included a special collector’s edition art book with every DVD box set.” - G.L.
Exclusive Star Wars art book:
The Definitive Star Wars Version:
“At first, I planned for this merely to be an option available to families. However, I was so pleased upon seeing the final cut that I’ve made it the definitive Star Wars version. Trust me, I think you’ll agree. To this end, Lucasfilm will no longer be selling earlier versions of the films, and prohibits their screening in public. I know you all appreciate how seriously I take my art.” - G.L.
DISCLAIMER: This is satire. If you don't get that it is satire, I'm not sure what to say to you. Normally, I'd sit back and laugh, because you wouldn't even get the joke - in fact, it would be at your expense. But since Lucas seems to get all huff and puff about his intellectual property, I feel it is necessary to include this note. So, once more: THIS IS NOT REAL. Lucas plz don't sue, I actually love your movies (some).