Celebrity Sex Tape “What-Ifs”

In honor of Verne Troyer’s recently leaked sex tape, I got to thinking about some other celebrities whose amateur porn films would be, shall we say, a little bit strange. Here are some transcripts of how I think they would go:

1) Donald Trump

(humping noises)
Trump: Trump!
Woman: Trump!
Trump: Trump!
Woman: Trump!
Trump: Trump!
Woman: Trump!
(humping noises stop)
Trump: Hmmm, it’s not working. Maybe try louder.
(humping noises begin)
Woman: TRUMP!
Trump: TRUMP!
Woman: TRUMP!
(humping noises stop)
Trump: Okay, okay, better, but still not there yet. Could you maybe shake your jewelry a little so it sounds like someone’s putting money in a bank?
Woman: …
Trump: Okay, great. And again, very loud – as loud as you can possibly scream.
(humping noises begin)
Woman: TRUMP!
Trump: TRUMP! Yes, here we go! TRUMP!
Woman: TRUMP!
Trump: TRUMP! I’m TRUMPING. I’m going to TRUMP ALL OVER YOU! Oooohhh…!! Oh! Oh!...... Oh. Oooh.
Woman:…
Trump: You’re fired.
Woman: I’m your wife.

2) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Tom: Do we have to be so close?
Katie: Tom, we’re trying to have sex.
Tom: I know, I know. But, umm, maybe you want to wear some clothes then? You’re so naked.
Katie: I already put on two extra layers, just like you asked, and then I got the boy haircut.
Tom: Right. Well, how about you put on this costume? We can try some role-play.
Katie: Is this a Val Kilmer mask? Jesus, Tom.
Tom: Alright, forget the role-play. You know what, let’s make this productive. Let’s have kids. Haha! Kids!
Katie: You know you’re going to have to eventually touch my vagina, right?
Tom: Goddamnit Katie! I told you not to say that word!
Katie: What? Vagina? Why not?
Tom: Obviously you have no idea how disgusting it sounds, and also looks and feels.
Katie: So no more kids then?
Tom: Maybe you could just squeeze one out for me while I stand over here.
Katie: Seriously?
Tom: Bear me a child made entirely of science.

3) J.J. Abrams

Woman: Oh yeah J.J., just like that!
J.J.: Here we are, simply having sex. Not suspecting a thing.
Woman: Yeah, right there! Oh yeah, that feels so good!
J.J.: Neither of us suspects that at any moment a mysterious third person might appear.
Woman: What?
J.J.: Yeah baby! You’re so sexy! Don’t stop!
Woman: No, what was that part about the third person showing up?
J.J.: Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. Let’s just keep making sweet love.
Woman: Um, okay… Yes! That’s the spot! Harder!
J.J.: I lied. It is a big deal.
Woman: Is that—Who the fuck just got into the bed with us?
J.J.: Whoa, I don’t know. How will this crazy mystery ever be solved?
Woman: Is that your brother? That looks like your brother.
J.J.: Are you sure? Maybe it’s me from the future.
Woman: Damnit J.J., he’s groping me now. Carl, if that’s you, please leave, I didn’t say okay to J.J.’s stupid prank.
Carl: Hi, Tina.
J.J.: And……. cut! Stay tuned next week for the thrilling finale.
Woman: We’re both still here.

4) Eddie Murphy

Eddie: Oooh ya, do it. That’s the spot!
Eddie: (female voice) Yeah baby. Give it to momma.
Eddie: Uh-huh. You go girl.
Eddie: (female voice) You are one sexy looking man, Eddie Murphy.
Eddie: Oh, I know, sugar.
Eddie: (grandma voice) I bet you guys didn’t realize Grandma was invited!
Eddie: What?! Grandma? You’re so crazy!
Eddie: (grandma voice) Yep, Grandma’s here to school all you youngin’s. Let me just do my thang!
Eddie: (female voice) Ooh la la, Grandma! You’re tickling all my lady-parts.
Eddie: Wait a second, is that? It can’t be…
Eddie: (little kid voice) Yep, it’s me, Little Eddie! Hi everybody!
Eddie: Get out of here, Little Eddie. You’re too young for this!
Eddie: (little kid voice) Awww, shucks!
Eddie: Phew, that was close. It was getting pretty hot and steamy in here.
Eddie: (deep voice) Did someone say hot and steamy? It’s me, Fat Eddie. I came looking for some hot and steamy food because I am so fat.
Eddie: Hahaha!
Eddie: (grandma voice) Hahaha!
Eddie: (female voice) Hahaha!
Eddie: This is the best family reunion ever.

5) George Lucas

George: Let me just add the finishing touches and… Voila!
Woman: Dear God, do not tell me you— yep, you painted your dick green.
George: This is the only way to make it look like a lightsaber on film.
Woman: Jesus.
George: Okay, so when I go in and out, do you think you can make lightsaber “woosh” noises?
Woman: I don’t know, I—
George: (waves hand) You will make “woosh” noises.
Woman: …
George: …
Woman: …
George: …
Woman: I guess I’ll try?
George: Great!
(humping noises begin)
George: Oh yeah. Right there!
Woman: Woosh? Woosh?
George: No, you’re doing it all wrong. It’s more like “nrrrrrrnngg wooong nrrrng.” Try it now.
Woman: Nurrrnnng. Wonng. Oh yeah, fuck me! Wrrrrrng. Yeah, right there!
George: Yes, perfect, my apprentice! You are so sexy when you do that.
Woman: Oh yeah, harder! Nrringonng. Harder! Wrrnrng.
George: Unh, unh! Right there! Krshhhh, krshhhhh! That’s the sound of our lightsabers colliding. Krshhh!
Woman: Okay, I can’t do this anymore.
George: No, wait!
Woman: What?
George:(points to crotch) The force is strong with this one.