I know, I know, everyone goes to see Pixar movies. They put nitrous in the theater air vents or something. Whatever it is, their movies are always fantastic and you can count on a huge audience turnout. Still, keep an eye out when you go to see WALL-E and I think you’ll discover…The 5 Types of People Who Go See Pixar Movies:

1) The Little Kid

Catchphrase:
“Mommy, I want one!”

Who They Are:
Perhaps the first person who comes to mind when you think of these movies, The Little Kid is Pixar/Disney’s first and most important customer. This is because children combine two important qualities: (1) indirect access, through begging, pleading, and tantrums, to their parents’ bank accounts; and (2) an absolutely fanatical urge to waste spend money on merchandise. They’re a marketer’s wet dream (we can only hope from a business, not sexual, perspective).

For example, as a child, I saw Aladdin twelve times, owned the video game, owned a Halloween costume, and owned one of those little Aladdin books where there are buttons you press that make noise. You could have slapped a fez on a rat carcass and I would have bought it, as long as you named it something adorable like “Aladdin Mouse."

Why They’re There:
When it boils down to it, they’re there because The Mom brought them there. But they want to be there, too, because Pixar happens to make awesome movies that really do appeal to kids. In fact, if you ever love anyone, for any reason, as much as The Little Kid loves Pixar movies, you should marry them immediately. Then, just like the kids, you can casually dump them when a hotter “new release” comes around.

2) The Mom

Catchphrase:
“No, you can’t have one. You already have enough toys.”

Who They Are:
Raising kids is tough. I can’t say I know from experience, but I owned a Tamagotchi once so I feel like I got the gist. Apparently, you have to, like, watch them or something? And from what I understand, you have to do this all the time. This makes The Mom a fairly busy person. Taking a kid to the movies is a fun, easy way to relax and get them to sit still for a few hours, especially if you’ve recently run out of child-dose sedatives.

The Mom’s other job is to more or less shit on The Little Kid’s hopes and dreams of owning every WALL-E product available, including an actual WALL-E robot, for which the technology does not even exist. This isn’t really her fault, but it does still make her seem like Mrs. Bad Cop. It’s why I think the tagline “If your mom doesn’t buy this, she is a bitch,” would be a very successful (but cruel) marketing pitch to the five-year-old demographic.

Why They’re There:
One of the real “secrets” of Pixar’s success is their ability to layer their movies with adult-oriented content. I’m not just talking about the time-honored Disney tradition of splicing in frames of pornography, though it is awesome. I mean that there are a lot of jokes and references aimed directly at adults. The Mom sees Pixar movies not just because The Little Kid will like them, but because, unlike most kid-friendly entertainment, she will too.

3) The Animation Geek

Catchphrase:
“That shot is so Akira.”

Who They Are:
Animation geeks are basically film geeks who studied something like “Visual Creative Studies” while in college. I’ll give them this: they know their stuff. At the same time, knowing this sort of stuff inevitably carries with it an air of pretension. As you’re walking out of the theater and you hear that nasally voice in front of you start going on about “the visual homage to early European masters,” try your best not to punch him in the face. Instead, do that thing where you loudly disguise the word “nerd” in a fake cough, and then punch him, just so that your motivations are clear.

The Animation Geek is likely one of the few people who won’t be completely satisfied with even the best Pixar film. He’ll like it, sure, but that one scene in the middle will be too cluttered, or maybe he’ll lament the fact that digital animation is making traditional styles extinct. It’s just hard for him to buy into something the uncultured public loves so much, especially since, come on, these films aren’t even foreign.

Why They’re There:
Whatever nitpicking they might do, they go to these movies because, frankly, these are exceptional films that are nearly impossible to dislike. But their real dark secret is this: each and every one of them would give their first-born to work for Pixar, assuming they could muster up the social grace necessary to reproduce.

4) The Twenty-Something Stoner

Catchphrase:
“Whoa, it’s in 3D and I’m in 3D. It’s like…I’m actually there, you know?”

Who They Are:
At some point in his college career, The Twenty-Something Stoner discovered that children’s entertainment mixed with weed is a recipe for success. Now, I’m not advocating this lifestyle; I’m just saying it’s something I, ahem, he likes to do. In the same sense, The Mom probably really likes raising her kids, but I’m not suggesting you go out and get pregnant, especially if you happen to be a twenty-something stoner.

Movie theaters, with their comfortable chairs and ample food supply, have always been a favorite destination of The Twenty-Something Stoner, but it took a twisted genius to fully realize the potential of children’s films. Now, The Twenty-Something Stoner is more or less guaranteed easy, but entertaining fare, and just like actual children, he’ll desperately want to see it again after forgetting it entirely.

Why They’re There:
Pixar movies are colorful, easy to follow, and offer a rare balance of digestible comedy and suspenseful action. It’s perfect for your average preteen, or your average post-teen, on drugs. So when you’re wondering why a bunch of college-aged kids just waltzed into the WALL-E theater instead of Wanted, now you know what they’re wondering about: whether you see the same color blue they do, because, like, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!

5) The Average Joe

Catchphrase:
“Hi.”

Who They Are:
“This is just a cheap and easy way to cover everyone else,” you object. You’re right. So sue me. The Average Joe is my catchall for all the other people who go see Pixar movies that don’t neatly fit into one of the above categories. Are there a lot of them? Yes. Are there so many that it makes the very idea of setting up the above categories silly? Yes. But I’m nearly done with this article and the thought of scrapping it entirely is painful. Deal with it.

Pixar movies repeatedly gross more than $500 million, which means that a shit-ton of people are going to see these films. Presumably, they are all unique and interesting in their own special ways, or else Mrs. Carter, my kindergarten teacher, has a lot of fucking explaining to do. I won’t try to pin down a stereotype here, so I’ll just say this: the financial success of Pixar’s films shows that, every so often, the general public somehow has great taste.

Why They’re There:
The most remarkable aspect of Pixar is their ability to make movies that appeal to everyone while talking down to no one. I’m struggling to think of any other cultural object that maintains such universal charm. Even Star Wars has its haters. Truth is, for movies that feature everything but people, they all have an inexplicable, universal, human touch. Plus, they look really, really sweet.

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Check out Spill's video review of Wall-E.