10 Vampires Who Will Turn Your Skin White

I hate to break it to you all, but not all vampires are the hunky, suave guys (and girls) you see in movies today (i.e. the late Aaliyah and company in Queen of the Damned, Gerard Butler in Dracula 2000, etc.).

In fact, I remember a time when vampires were not only ugly, but terrifying. I mean, I’m talking turn-your-skin-white terrifying (I swear, that’s not a pun). As I’ve said before, vampires are not meant to be sexual creatures. They are subhuman beings who are out for blood and not necessarily in the sexiest way possible.

So while you girls (and some guys) enjoy drooling over Robert Pattinson in Twilight this weekend, I will go, watch these movies below and remember why the hell vampires are considered part of the horror movie genre. These are ranked based on the condition of my pants post-viewing. Tell me who scares the crap (literally or not) out of you below!


10. Alex Winter as Marko – The Lost Boys

I feel pretty bad for this guy because he’s not exactly the cutest puppy in the litter. Now, put that face behind some weird contacts and vampire teeth and he definitely is a frightening sight! As one of my favorite lines from a comic says, “It looks like the ugly stick got hit with your face!”


9. Andrew Stehlin as Arvin – 30 Days of Night

It was hard to choose who was the ugliest of this bunch because, well, all of them are (especially if ugly directly translates as scary in some language). It’s not so much the soulless, whiteless black eyes or the razor sharp, shark-like teeth, it’s the scary ass demeanor he carries. He’s out for blood and nothing (or nobody) can stop him.


8. Corey Feldman as Caleb – Bordello of Blood

Naturally, once I found out Corey Feldman was in this flick, I immediately decided to rent it. Feldman’s no stranger to vampire movies (i.e. The Lost Boys) so I thought perhaps I’d have the chance to see him on the other side as one of the undead…and boy, did I! Now I totally take it back because he’s one scary looking vampire.


7. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium – From Dusk Till Dawn

There’s no doubt that this woman is GORGEOUS, so of course, when she does a little number in nothing but a tight bikini, guys and girls alike were hooked to the screen like it was visual crack. However, moments later, the beauty turns into the beast when her dark side is revealed, sending shivers down all viewers’ spines.


6. Gary Oldman as Dracula – Dracula (1992)

Alright, so he’s sort of…tolerable looking throughout most of the film, but when he’s ugly, he’s UGLY! Not only is that odd boob head of his enough to turn your head sideways, but when he transforms into that bat-human hybrid, it was enough to make me throw myself off the couch.


5. Max Schreck as Nosferatu – Nosferatu

I know what you’re thinking right now: “How in God’s is Nosferatu number 5? They don’t get uglier than him!” Well, you’re wrong. Granted, this guy has one hell of a misshapen head, would need braces for about 30 years and definitely needs to eat something aside from human blood, but he’s relatively tolerable when it comes to vampire looks.


4. Luke Goss as Nomak – Blade II

To most people, Nomak would look sort of odd. He’s maybe in need of a tan, but overall decent, right? Well, get him pissed off while he’s hungry and see what happens! The craziest, most screwed up thing (AKA his unhinged jaw) unleashes and all hell breaks loose, causing loose stools across the globe.


3. Anders Hove as Radu – Subspecies

Just thinking of this made me puke in my mouth a little bit. Looking at that horribly horrible face makes me wish all viewings of Subspecies came with a side of hot poker, fresh for jamming into eye sockets. This picture is nothing compared to the movie itself, which I think it saying more than it needs to.


2. Amanda Bearse as Amy Peterson – Fright Night

You know, for such a schlocky movie, they spared no expense when it came to scaring the living bejesus out of me. In the beginning stages of the transformation, she’s a relatively normal-looking vampire…then, BLAM! THAT FACE! Honestly, look at that face and tell me you don’t want to secretly cry inside?


1. Merton H. Moss as Dwight Renfield – The Night Flier

Oh, hi! Are you here to scary the living shit out of me? Okay, sounds great! Alright, so it didn’t exactly go like that, but you get my point. This guy is terrifying beyond all human comprehension and I loathe whoever decided to make the character look like that because that is just very mean. This is the sole reason why I’m glad vampires aren’t real.