If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Spill Dot Con is just around the corner (like... in three days), and hordes of you Spilleos are about to descend upon Austin like locusts unto Egypt.
Yeah, kinda like that.
Now, some of you are getting here early and may be looking for things to do to occupy your time. Others may be looking to keep the party going after we shut down Club DeVille. And if you want to be like your heroes in the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen (and those other, lesser podcasts) keeping the party going means taking it to Cyrus' house.
Like I said, keeping the party going means taking it to the many incredible bars around Austin. Now, Austin's drinking district is large and there are a number of bars that are, frankly, full of frat boys, douchebags and women of suspect virtue, and none of you would want to be caught in any of those now, would you?
Of course you wouldn't.
So in the interest of public service - and not at all about getting drunk on Korey's dime - Cat and I have taken it upon ourselves to introduce you to some of the best bars in Austin for your drinking pleasure. There's no possible way this could go badly, I'm sure.
I was so, so wrong...
Spill Dot Con presents: DRINKING AROUND AUSTIN!
Our first stop isThe Liberty, a dive on East 6th.
Cat: Because you're not paying...
Harris: (ahem) BUT I noticed they have Abita Strawberry Beer, an insanely delicious beer that's only available for two to three months out of the year.
Cat: Because there's nothing like drinking out-of-season beer.
Harris: Shut up! It's delicious!
Harris: Because this bar don't serve no goddamn Cosmotinis.
Cat: I don't see what's wrong with a Cosmo.
Harris: I'm sorry folks, Cat really missed out on her chance to be in a sorority.
Cat: I don't think the guy drinking fruit beer is in a position to be talking shit.
Harris: SHUT UP. IT'S DELICIOUS.
Cat: Your MOM'S deliciou... woah, that was going to come out seriously wrong.
Harris: Gooood night everybody!
Next on the list isThe Brixton, destination of many Spill pub-crawls
Can't imagine what a bunch of geeks find appealing about the place...
Cat: I know these guys! They're in Bubble Bobble!
So we're going to try (against my better judgement) their absinthe specials.
HOLD UP. Sex Bob-Ombs? Oh fuck yeah, we're doing that. Bartender! Two Sex Bob-Ombs please!
What the shit? Oh hell no we're not drinking these....
Cat: Yaaaay! I can haz Otter-Pop!
Harris: OK, I guess we are drinking these.
Cat: Oh quit pretending like you're not totally intrigued by these.
Harris: OK, so maybe it's not so bad after all.
Cat: Called it! You're a sucker for anything blue.
Harris: That would explain that dream I keep having about Smurfette.
Cat: This went very wrong, very quickly.
Harris: Um... Cat? This is totally random but have you ever seen Jacob's Ladder?
Cat: No, why do you ask?
Harris: Er... no reason.
Cat: NO TOUCHY MY OTTER POP! HSSSSS!
Harris: Let's see you get out of THIS one Boy Wonder! Waaagh!
So... those might have been a little on the strong side. We may also have ordered two more of them. Just to make sure that we could recommend them to you in good conscious. This may require further testing. Still, despite the siren call of the disturbingly tasty-smelling hot-dogs that they sell out on the patio, we made our way down to our next stop: Rio Rita, home of many infused alcohols.
Harris: So, amongst their other infused alcohols, Rio Rita makes their own strawberry tequila. Naturally, in the name of professional curiosity, I'm obligated to compare their product to mine.
So far: decent color, a little cloudy, but distinctly less vibrant than my own. A sign that they don't infuse theirs nearly as long as I do; points off for quality.
Cat: I'm having a Briar Patch, which is raspberry infused gin and a shot of OOOH LOOK! FISHIES!
Harris: Not much body...
Harris: Not much nose either. If I had to guess, I'd assume they went with a resposado. I would've gone with a blanco personally; you don't want too many competing flavors to clash with the strawberry flavoring. I don't think they used organic strawberries either...
Cat: Heeeey fishies! Want a drink fishie? Little drink? You like gin, fishie? Take a picture of the fishie drinking from the straw! Quick! Fishie!
Harris: Well, it's drinkable at least. The strawberry flav.. flavor ishn't terribly strong but it's there at least. It cuts the... the.. bite... from the tequilla a little. Mine's better to be sure.
Harris: Maybe I should have another just to be sure.
Harris: Um, hon? Did everything just suddenly rack-focus and go THRUMMMM?
Harris: This is going to be like Perfect 10 all over again, isn't it?
Now we could've gone to the Shangri-La but there was a line to get in and fuck that. So we meandered our way across the freeway (decidedly not driving and you can't prove we did) over to West 6th Street to Recess. This used to be Ace's Lounge, site of several Spill Dot Con shows years past including the infamous Night of The Hookers. Now it's an arcade bar.
Cat: Wait. Arcade games and booze?
Harris: Challenge accepted!
Cat: What you really need to explain is that we're doing this while the Republic of Texas biker rally is in town. This bar is a mix of bikers and nerds.
Harris: I can't tell who's more afraid of whom.
Cat: Damn it, you know proper grammar gets me hot. What are we doing now?
Cat: What is this?
Cat: Tuaca? Were you bitten by a radioactive fratboy on the way to the bar?
Harris: I've gotten into a lot of trouble on Tuaca, thank you very much.
Cat: I have no problem believing that, somehow.
Harris: Hush you! Tuaca is my friend! Tuaca loves me and wants me to be happy!
Cat: You're talking to your drink.
Harris: What's that Tuaca? I need to hump all their legs?
Cat: You know that sex we're never ever having again?
Cat: Oh God it tastes like liquified My Little Ponies.
Harris: I know, isn't it great?
Cat: The bathroom's a pit, one stall's busted and I think people are fucking in the other one, the vending machine sells condoms, dildos and candy cock-rings and now my mouth tastes like the inside of Christy Marx's brain.
Harris: It's like Nerd CBGB. This must be what heaven is like...
Cat: Fuck you, if we're going to be doing shots at an arcade bar then we're doing it in my bar with my shots.
Next stop: The Kung Fu Saloon, home of free Skee-Bal, mega-sized Jenga and...
Cat: PICKLE SHOTS!
Harris: You're fucking kidding me.
Cat: Shut up and drink your pickle juice, bitch!
Cat: Vodka and pickle brine, together as God intended!
Harris: I'm not a professional, but I think something is very wrong with you.
Cat: This is the man who drank Tuaca of his own free will.
Harris: WHAT IN FUCK DID I JUST DRINK? Dear God, I feel like I just blew a scarecrow!
Harris: Although... it does get a tastier after you swallow!
Cat: Damn straight!
Harris: Hey, wanna see my Rubio impression?
Having done all of the damage we could do there, we moved on to a bar that holds a special significance in my heart: Six Lounge.
Harris: Hey kids, wanna see where Dr. NerdLove got his start?
Cat: Wait, you took me on our first date to the place where you used to pick up women??
Harris: Well, yeah...
Cat: Well played sir. Well played.
Cat: Now in the spirit of the last bar, we've decided to do the weirdest vodka drinks we could find.
Harris: The catch, of course, is that we had to pick the other's drink.
Cat: Which is how I ended up with... Dragonfruit vodka??
Harris: It is good for the young Khaleesi.
Cat: It is known.
Harris: Meanwhile I've been stuck with... what the hell is this?
Cat: Cake vodka!
Harris: How the fuck did I miss this?
Cat: Because you're seeing double?
Harris: You know, this place is a lot more dead than it used to be.
Cat: I think the party moved across the street...
Harris: OK, so we're going over there next. But first...
Harris: Free shot? Don't mind if I do.
Harris: Ok... last bar. An... I'm havin' Shiner Blonde b'cuz... I like blondes.
Harris: I said that out loud didn't I?
Cat: It's ok. I'm sure I could find someone else to drive me home. Any takers?
Harris: I WILL FIGHT YOU!
Cat: Harris, there's nobody there...
Harris: I... erp... i don feel so good
Cat: Hold that thought.
Cat: Holy shit, I love this DJ!
So... um... yeah. Some bars you should check out when you want to keep the party moving on. Just...
Harris: Cat, you deleted those last photos off the card, right?
Cat: I think somebody puked in my brain.
Cat: Party Rock is in the hoouuuuuuuuse toniiiiiight...
Harris: S..stop that Smurfette...ma married ma...zzzzzz