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Broad of the Dead: 40+ Upcoming Horror Remakes
I may not get easily scared by the movies themselves, but if there’s one thing that really sends chills down my spine, it’s the ever-growing list of horror remakes. Within the past year, Hollywood has truly gone off the deep end with these suckers, some of which are classics, making avid horror fans such as myself red in the face. Although, out of the 40+ movies (yes, there really are that many), there are a few that could be as good as their originals. Here’s the list of remakes-to-come with some special commentary on which ones I think will be utter trash and ones that could be diamonds in the rough:
Child’s Play
If the filmmakers avoid using as much CGI as possible, I think this could somehow work. Actually, I have no idea how they’re going to make Chucky creepier than he already is, but I think if they get someone like Vincent D’Onofrio or Stephen McHattie to voice him, it would up the ante.
Let Me In (original: Let the Right One In)
The Crazies (original)
Poltergeist
The Host
Remakes of Asian horror movies never work (see: The Ring, The Grudge, The Eye, Pulse, One Missed Call, etc.)
It's Alive
Near Dark
It’s supposedly dead for now, but I’m sure much like the vampires in the movie, it’ll resurrect itself and suck much ass.
Creature from the Black Lagoon
Versus
Suspiria
There is no new director on God’s green earth who has the eye that Dario Argento does. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Hell, Argento hardly has the eye he used to have back in his salad days.
Piranha 3-D (original: Piranha)
The only good thing about this remake is that it’ll be in 3-D. It’s a guaranteed entertaining experience. After all, isn’t that the only reason why any of us went to see My Bloody Valentine 3-D?
Scanners
Don't Look Now
I Spit On Your Grave
There is no way they’re going to be able to authenticate the whole ass-kicking feminist aspect of this movie. Been there, done that…literally.
Mother's Day
Battle Royale
Predators (original: Predator)
Normally I would say, “NO FUCKING WAY!” but since Robert Rodriguez is a pretty creative mind, I say, “Give it a whirl.” Sure, it’s unnecessary, but it could be interesting.
The Stepfather
The Tingler
Rosemary's Baby
Night of the Demons (original)
The cast is horrible (i.e. Shannon Elizabeth as Angela) , as is the writing/directing. It’s already doomed.
Infection
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
No. Why? Keanu Reeves. If he can’t pull off playing a relatively expressionless alien, he sure as hell can’t do the whole “split personality” thing.
The Brood
The Orphanage
Hollywood might as well kill a puppy in front of me with this one. The Orphanage is one of the only great horror movies made in the last 30 years, and those fuckers have the gall to Americanize it? Even people who don’t know anything about movies like this movie!
Motel Hell
Hellraiser
I could never get into this series. The characters all felt flat and the storylines bored me to tears, so I guess if the remake could provide anything, it’s a little more “oomph.”
The Changeling
Alice Sweet Alice
The Toolbox Murders
The sole reason why I’m excited for this remake is because there’s never been a good version of it to begin with. Of course, this makes the probable suck-to-awesome ratio about 300 to 1.
Don't Look in the Basement (original)
Children of the Corn
Not only is this one of the only horror movies to really creep me out, but it’s truly insulting that this is not just being remade, but it’s being remade into a made-for-TV movie. What the hell, Hollywood? What. The. Hell.
I Walked with a Zombie
They Live
Sorority Row (original: The House on Sorority Row)
The Monster Squad
Obviously no horror fan/producer is involved with this because this is a heartless move. Less than a year after our beloved Stan Winston passes away, execs are moving in to remake his monsters? That’s just wrong.
It
I’m actually pretty hopeful with this one, only because the original lacked a lot of the great things that the novel had. It also happened to lack a good cast. So, maybe if they get it right this time and hire the right writers, it won’t be too bad.
Frankenstein
Night of the Living Dorks
Half the charm behind this movie was its adorable German teen boys (and a lot of cultural jokes). You couldn’t get that sort of charm if you cloned Zac Efron, Robert Pattinson or any other “heartthrob” into one person. Leave it alone!
The Birds (original)
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
A Nightmare on Elm Street (original)
As much as I LOVE Robert Englund and his Freddy Krueger legacy, I think the only wise move producers made on this one was listening to the fans. We all kept saying that Jackie Earle Haley was the only person really suitable to fill the shoes of Englund, and by God, he’s giving it a shot!
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Comment
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Comment by SLAPJAW on October 25, 2009 at 7:34pm -
I agree with ratmonkeyofdeth. These remakes are horrible. Not much originality anymore. Amityville Horror had flaws (I didn't realize that there were cordless drills in the 70s!!) Rob Zombie's Halloween movies are also full of holes. I really think that these remakes are just a way for two bit directors and writers to score quick cash. There's no paying homage here. I don't care what anyone says. I haven't really seen a great original horror film since maybe the early 90s or even earlier!! What really angers me is the fact that it is never mentioned that these are remakes. I feel that the original should be given credit here.
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Comment by ratmonkeyofdeth on October 13, 2009 at 8:58am -
I am getting sick too of all of the lame ass remakes but like nekra maniac said i will end up watching them just in the hopes of seeing a good kill scene or something its hard for me to even remember the last good original horror movie that i seen I guess thats why i stick with fulci and argento not to mention peter jackson. By the way when the hell is jackson gonna direct another horror movie
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Comment by nekra maniac on September 19, 2009 at 8:27pm -
gawd if they remake the monster squad i swear i will cry.
and they already did a remake of the toolbox murders wtf? i will end up watching them i know i will i will try to keep an open mind but these are sooo unnecesary. if they would release i dont know somewhat original movies maybe it would work movies like grace, midnight meat train and book of blood then i would be happy again. the only semi-original movie this year was drag em to hell which i will admit that i fraking loved.
i use the word semi-original because its true there isnt originality left in the world.
i think they dropped battle royale still because of the shooting in virginia tech. infection has been in talks for so long i doubt it will happen anymore.
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Comment by JQ on May 22, 2009 at 9:42pm -
That Near Dark vampire looks just like Cassidy from the comic Preacher.
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Comment by Bert's Unibrow on May 21, 2009 at 11:48pm
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Ugh, they're actually going to remake Monster Squad?
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Comment by Matthew on May 21, 2009 at 6:23pm -
I'm all for an IT remake, but about ur point with bad actors, Tim Curry was AWESOME! as far as the new one goes, i can't think of actors i would want in the movie. any ideas
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Comment by Alkunkunka on May 21, 2009 at 2:16pm -
I would watch some of these, even if I think it'll lack potential. Like, for example, I'm against a Host remake, but I'll watch it, to give it a try. But I will not be caught dead watching the Orphanage American movie.
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Comment by Alissa on May 21, 2009 at 1:37pm -
Can anyone, you know... come up w/ a new idea?
A lot of these seem like a very bad idea, a couple though have me intrigued.
One has me scared... like the picture you posted scared me, lol. I read 'It' as an 11-year-old and I was a mess for a month after. I'm not sure I could ever watch a movie of it... didn't make it through the original... not sure about the remake.
For some reason, I can almost see a Poltergeist remake having potential.
Regardless, maybe making less shitty movies and really finding good scripts and ideas would be a better plan. Like that'll happen...
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Comment by SinnerBlack on May 21, 2009 at 12:17pm -
This is quite sad, This is equivalent to the AIG Bailout. Hollywood keeps making bad decisions, but they seem to find the cash to fund these horrible projects. What happened to ORIGINALITY AND IMAGINATION.
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Comment by Scrivs on May 21, 2009 at 12:11pm -
Man. I just watched Alice sweet alice and it was awesome. remaking suspiria could be cool, but the soundtrack made that movie I hope they don't lose that.
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