I may not get easily scared by the movies themselves, but if there’s one thing that really sends chills down my spine, it’s the ever-growing list of horror remakes. Within the past year, Hollywood has truly gone off the deep end with these suckers, some of which are classics, making avid horror fans such as myself red in the face. Although, out of the 40+ movies (yes, there really are that many), there are a few that could be as good as their originals. Here’s the list of remakes-to-come with some special commentary on which ones I think will be utter trash and ones that could be diamonds in the rough:
If the filmmakers avoid using as much CGI as possible, I think this could somehow work. Actually, I have no idea how they’re going to make Chucky creepier than he already is, but I think if they get someone like Vincent D’Onofrio
or Stephen McHattie
to voice him, it would up the ante.
Let Me In
(original: Let the Right One In
Remakes of Asian horror movies never work (see: The Ring
, The Grudge
, The Eye
, One Missed Call
It’s supposedly dead for now, but I’m sure much like the vampires in the movie, it’ll resurrect itself and suck much ass.
Creature from the Black Lagoon
There is no new director on God’s green earth who has the eye that Dario Argento
does. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Hell, Argento hardly has the eye he used to have back in his salad days.
The only good thing about this remake is that it’ll be in 3-D. It’s a guaranteed entertaining experience. After all, isn’t that the only reason why any of us went to see My Bloody Valentine 3-D
Don't Look Now
I Spit On Your Grave
There is no way they’re going to be able to authenticate the whole ass-kicking feminist aspect of this movie. Been there, done that…literally.
Normally I would say, “NO FUCKING WAY!” but since Robert Rodriguez
is a pretty creative mind, I say, “Give it a whirl.” Sure, it’s unnecessary, but it could be interesting.
Night of the Demons
The cast is horrible (i.e. Shannon Elizabeth
as Angela) , as is the writing/directing. It’s already doomed.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
No. Why? Keanu Reeves
. If he can’t pull off playing a relatively expressionless alien, he sure as hell can’t do the whole “split personality” thing.
Hollywood might as well kill a puppy in front of me with this one. The Orphanage
is one of the only great horror movies made in the last 30 years, and those fuckers have the gall to Americanize it? Even people who don’t know anything about movies like this movie!
I could never get into this series. The characters all felt flat and the storylines bored me to tears, so I guess if the remake could provide anything, it’s a little more “oomph.”
Alice Sweet Alice
The Toolbox Murders
The sole reason why I’m excited for this remake is because there’s never been a good version of it to begin with. Of course, this makes the probable suck-to-awesome ratio about 300 to 1.
Don't Look in the Basement
Children of the Corn
Not only is this one of the only horror movies to really creep me out, but it’s truly insulting that this is not just being remade, but it’s being remade into a made-for-TV movie. What the hell, Hollywood? What. The. Hell.
I Walked with a Zombie
(original: The House on Sorority Row
The Monster Squad
Obviously no horror fan/producer is involved with this because this is a heartless move. Less than a year after our beloved Stan Winston
passes away, execs are moving in to remake his monsters? That’s just wrong.
I’m actually pretty hopeful with this one, only because the original lacked a lot of the great things that the novel had. It also happened to lack a good cast. So, maybe if they get it right this time and hire the right writers, it won’t be too bad.
Night of the Living Dorks
Half the charm behind this movie was its adorable German teen boys (and a lot of cultural jokes). You couldn’t get that sort of charm if you cloned Zac Efron
, Robert Pattinson
or any other “heartthrob” into one person. Leave it alone!
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
A Nightmare on Elm Street
As much as I LOVE Robert Englund
and his Freddy Krueger legacy, I think the only wise move producers made on this one was listening to the fans. We all kept saying that Jackie Earle Haley
was the only person really suitable to fill the shoes of Englund, and by God, he’s giving it a shot!