With Quarantine coming out today and my vast knowledge of horror movies, I wanted to do a list about zombies, of course. I thought about making a list of the best zombie movies at first, but after thinking about it, I realized it would not only be insanely long, but it would take me forever to decide the order. Zombie movies are my babies, so (sadly) to me, that’s like choosing a favorite child. However, when it comes to BAD zombie movies, I know exactly where each and every one stands.

To clarify, I’m not talking about awesomely bad movies, because there are really a lot of those. I’m talking about the movies that I literally couldn’t make it through or ones that made me so mad, I almost destroyed things (or did destroy things…depending on my mood). I know some, if not most, of you will agree with me, but if you’d like to chime in and tell me the banes of your zombie existence, then go right ahead.


10. Day of the Dead – 2008 Remake

As if it’s not bad enough that I loathe remakes, this one was just…ugh. It had one good moment that, of course, was the last second of the movie (literally). What really irritated me about this movie, aside from the fact that everything was CGI, was the Ving Rhames cameo. Now, we all know he was in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead (which is the only remake I actually like). In this movie, though, he played a different character who was totally oblivious to the zombie outbreak. Really? If you’re going to cast the same guy…at least make the character consistent.


9. Route 666

This movie just really confuses me. I mean, you know it’s going to AT LEAST be awesomely bad because of its stars, Lori Petty and Lou Diamond Phillips, but man, this was painful to watch. Aside from the fact that you have more or less no idea of what’s going on through the whole movie, it sort of just throws in a handful of zombie ghost prisoners who kill peeps with sledgehammers? It’s a mess. However, for some reason, if I’m really, really bored (like, borderline suicidal bored) and it’s on T.V. I’ll more than likely watch it. I’m really starting to think I’m more masochistic than I originally thought.


8. Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to the Grave

I know these movies are almost intentionally shitty, but this one just really takes the cake. I sort of have a reason for not liking this movie, mostly because it literally copied my friends’ movie almost down to the scene. Of course, I realize the chances of them seeing a narrowly distributed indie film is slim-to-none, but it had too many similarities for me to appreciate it at all. Besides, REAL horror fans know that the first two Return of the Living Dead movies are the only good ones.


7. Severed: Forest of the Dead

Man, am I glad I saw this movie for free otherwise I’d be demanding a refund. It’s slightly amusing for maybe…20 minutes? Then it’s like this weird, drama fest that happens to have zombies in it. I think the filmmakers were trying to make a Deer Hunter-esque post-war survival movie, but they forgot one thing…THERE’S FUCKING ZOMBIES IN IT! Zombies, in 90% of all occasions, are not meant to be taken seriously. The only person who can get away with that is George A. Romero, and I’m sure if he saw this movie, he’d do a total face-palm.


6. Redneck Zombies

It really killed me to hate this movie, really. I love Troma movies. They’re not just awesomely bad, they’re RIDICULOUSLY awesomely bad. However, when I got this movie for Christmas and watched it a few days later, I was just bored to tears, which is saying a lot considering I’m from Ohio and there’s an insanely large amount of rednecks in my area. I thought I would enjoy seeing rednecks that drive me crazy on a daily basis get devoured by flesh eating creatures, thus turning into them, but not the case. It’s total crap if you ask me.


5. Gangs of the Dead

The thing I said about rednecks also applies to thugs. I live right outside of Youngstown, Ohio, so seeing gangs is sort of a normal thing for me (I know, rednecks and thugs…I live in a weird area). However, along with the Day of the Dead remake, a majority of the special effects are CGI. There’s also a point when someone blows up a car, because that’s what thugs do supposedly, and it’s probably the crappiest film animation I’ve seen. Had I been the post-production supervisor for the film (who’s in charge of shit like that), I would’ve never let that leave the cutting room floor.


4. Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane

Coming from the person who was protesting Snakes on a Plane, you could imagine my excitement (sarcasm) when I heard about this movie. I knew it was going to be ridiculous because the original motivation for this movie (i.e. Snakes) was ridiculous. However, this movie just made me outright sad. It has an even dumber storyline than Snakes and the effects are weak. Normally, I wouldn’t care about this, but the fact that it actually tried REALLY hard to make a legit movie just made it that much more lame.


3. House of the Dead

Alright, kids, it’s time to get fired up! Uwe Boll just needs to STOP. Period. I know you all agree with me on how fucking stupid this movie is. Not only did he manage to get the lamest actors, the worst editors (who put the most overused, irritating effects on the film) and a pretty weak storyline…but he took parts of the ACTUAL VIDEO GAME and inserted them IN THE MOVIE. Yeah, that’s believable. Awesome idea there, Uwe.


2. Zombie Nation

I think I sat through about 15 minutes of this movie before I turned it off. I never, ever turn off movies, regardless of how stupid they are because I know what sort of work goes into them and I appreciate that dedication. However, these people should’ve realized how lame they were and stopped before they spent money, people’s time and tortured its viewers. This is hands down one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life…and I only really saw maybe a quarter of the actual movie.


1. Diaries of the Dead Double Feature: Dead Summer and Deadhunter

If I could have chosen to undergo a hysterectomy performed by a dirty, untrained baboon, I would’ve if it got me out of seeing this piece of garbage. I had to watch it for work (not this job, another one) and I literally was so upset by the end I almost cried…and that’s with fast-forwarding both movies just to make it through. As much as these are totally no/low budget movies, the fact that somehow the makers of the film convinced Netflix to provide it to sorry souls is doing enough damage to humans regardless of it being watched or not.