Being a critic isn't all happy-fun time. Sure we get to see early screenings of big blockbusters like Iron Man
, get free stuff in the mail from the studios and receive sexual favors from Spill
groupies (well, Korey
does) but sometimes we are faced with a tableau of pain, a gauntlet of torture, a horn of plenty of agony that no mind can escape from unscathed. This week, the name emblazoned in fiery, scarring letters across my soul is Wieners
I would take it as a personal favor if you guys would avoid the gay jokes here. It would, much like many of the horrible horrible jokes in this movie, be way too obvious. The movie is a direct-to-DVD film called,as I winced out earlier, Wieners
and the DVD proudly proclaims it's the 100% Pure Beef Edition
, which is about the only funny thing here since I'm pretty sure it's the ONLY edition.
The film stars Kenan Thompson
, who FSM
help you if you saw it, played Fat Albert
in the live-action adaptation in 2004. Here he plays Wyatt
, a dude who has a home-made hot-dog car. He wants to drive around giving away free hot dogs for some reason that escapes me. I mean, business administration is not my strong point (look where I work) but I'm pretty sure that's not how it's done.
Wyatt's friend Joel
, played by Fran Kranz
, was humiliated on a television talk show hosted by Doctor Dwayne
. This role, played by an embarrassed looking Darrell Hammond
, is a cross between Dr. Phil
and a rabid weasel. Dr Dwayne
's girlfriend to leave him on national tv and made him look like a douche. Here's a hint for you folks: If you choose to appear on a talk show like that, you ARE a douche. Summer's Eve got nothing on you.
After some period of time, Joel
still sits unwashed, bathrobed, presumably stoned, dealing with his humiliation as only a serious cave-dweller can. As a professional cave-dweller myself, I can tell you that showering daily is a MUST to avoid that not-so-fresh-cave-smell. I'm told that it's pretty much Kryptonite to hot chicks. I guess it wouldn't matter as much in my house as they rarely get past the life-size Spider-man statue in the entry hall.
's other friend Ben
(played by Zachary Levi
who you might recognize as TV's "Chuck"
) decide they need to force him into a cross-country road trip to L.A. to confront and kick the frak out of Dr Dwayne
. So, as so many bad road-trip movies go, they set out with the flimsiest of plot devices in their giant hot dog vehicle.
When this movie isn't making pointless gross-out jokes, like Joel
's predilection to eat his own bellybutton lint and sniff his fingers after they've been poking around in his butt, it's not making a lot of sense. Why they end up in a lot of the seemingly arbitrary pointless situations that they do find themselves in, is not a question with an answer here. No wait, there is an answer: Shockingly bad and lazy writing. Filled with visual jokes that have nothing to do with anything and go nowhere, obnoxious and juvenile homo-erotic OVERtones, and worst of all....practically no boobies.
If there was one reason anyone would rent this, it would be that Jenny McCarthy
is in it, who is portrayed as if she was the lead actress on the front cover and looks like a hermaphrodite.. Here's the thing: Sexy (in a certain light I guess) Jenny is on screen for all of three seconds. Jenny covered with ugly makeup doing sickening things is on screen for about three minutes. No Jenny sexy-fun time is forthcoming. No sexy-fun time at all is forthcoming. To be fair, if you want to see a really way-too long scene where TV's Chuck and some other not very good looking guys dance around on a stage in their underwear, then you might consider this to be titillating. Not so much for me. Maybe Carlyle
would like it.
Just when you think things couldn't get any worse the ending is the biggest cop-out probably ever. I sat through that entire crap-fest fighting the urge to stab my own eyes out only to see the writers say, "Frak it. Anyone who even GETS as far as the ending to this viscous mound of hell-goo is either mentally retarded, under the age of five, or owns Meet the Spartans...what possible difference could it make?"
I see on IMDB that these writers
are attached to write an 'Untitled Bill and Ted Project'
. Hopefully it will remain unmade as well. Wieners
is not a film. It's a punishment and I'm pretty sure that showing it to anyone against their will is in violation of the Geneva conventions