If it's crap... We'll tell you

What would YOU have done?

*Warning - this is pretty gross, as I have been told I can sometimes be*

I ate pizza for breakfast. That's how it all started. I knew I shouldn't eat pizza for breakfast, but that was the only thing in the fridge. And I'm not the type to just skip breakfast you know. It IS the most important meal of the day, and quite frankly, I'm cranky as hell when I skip breakfast. Not only do I have to leave the warm comfort of my own bed, I have to stay hungry also until lunchtime.

F#$k that.

So i ate pizza for breakfast and sure enough, around 14 pm, I was at work... and I had to poop.

I hate it when that happens. I am an extremely nervous pooper. I don't like taking care of my business anywhere else then within the sanctity of my own bathroom. Call me weird, but that's how I feel. I will only use a foreign bathroom as an absolute last resort... when it comes to poop.

This however was an emergency. So I grabbed a book and headed for the ladies bathroom. (Yeah, I read when I'm on the crapper, got a problem with that?)

Anyway, so there I am, relieving myself and I'm engrossed in my book and when it's time to go i stretch out my hand towards the toilet paper holder... only to find it grasping at thin air.

There was no TP in the TP holder. Words cannot express the absolute mortification that had taken a hold of my very soul.

There was no TP in the TP holder.

I have just taken a massive dump in the bathroom at my office, the place I go to earn my bread and butter and...

THERE IS NO F!@KING TP IN THE TP HOLDER!!!

"Stupid, stupid, stupid... you should have checked when you first entered the room. What is the matter with you! What are you going to do!?"

"I don't know"

At this point naturally, I am in turmoil. Let me paint you a visual... this is just an ordinary apartment bathroom, not the type of common bathroom with multiple stools. There is one WC, one washer and a shower cabin. Now, sometimes... not all the time, but sometimes, there is a spare TP roll on a shelf right above the WC. Now naturally I could not be bothered to check for this extra roll when I came in and sat down, just as I couldn't be bothered to check if there was any TP in the holder right next to the f@#king WC.

However, I could not bring myself to turn my head and look at the shelf, to possibly be faced with my salvation or my doom. I couldn't do that because there was a 50/50 chance I would then have to go through the decision making process of what to do next.
There was option A: Call for help. Shout out at my colleagues hoping one of them would bring me a roll from the men's bathroom. However, this presented two problems:

1. That is f@#ing embarassing. And I know that desperate times call for desperate measures, but I also know that I'm a nervous pooper and if something like this were to happen I be extremely embarrassed for a week (whereas my coworkers would probably forget about it within 10 minutes) and I would never be able to use the office bathroom again. Because I would obviously be scared for the rest of my professional career.

2. The bathroom is at the end of a hallway and most of my colleagues wear earphones while working, so they would probably not hear me even if I were to shout. The one exception to this is of course... my boss, whose office also happens to be closest to the bathroom, and while my boss is a decent guy, I might even say open to communication, I don't think we're quite at the "could you please help me wipe my ass" stage in our relationship. Not to mention that he would probably fire me if I knew I'm the kind of dumbass that doesn't even check to see if there's any toilet paper available when going to the bathroom. An unlikely turn of events, but still... one I had deemed worthy to consider.

Ok, so, since shouting for help was out of the question, what else could I do? Well, there was a source of paper nearby. Namely, the book I was reading. This of course, presented problems:

1. That s@#t is f@#$ing coarse.

2. I happen to like that book. While I may be willing to sacrifice a tabloid, or even a Sandra Brown novel (which of course I NEVER read), this was goddamn Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You do not wipe your ass with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas!

3. It's not my book, nor is it a book I would easily find in a bookstore since it's an american edition, therfore in english, therefore impossible to find on the romanian book market.

So... this is the choice I was faced with, in case the aforementioned extra roll of TP was not where it was supposed to be. After 10 minutes of unbridled panic I finally found the courage to turn my head...

Oh sweet merciful Jesus... it's there! The most beautiful virgin roll of toilet paper I had ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes upon.

So I guess the story has a happy ending, and yet, the rest of the day I was haunted by the question: "What would you have done if there was no extra tp?"

What would I have done?

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Comment by Diana on October 16, 2007 at 6:46am: Hmmm... Domeister you cunning devil!

Comment by Domeister on October 16, 2007 at 2:29am: Now correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you girls use tp for #1 and #2? I know this because I was helping my 2 and 3 yr old nieces to use the potty, and they were taught to use tp to wipe their cooch after they tinkle.

I would have flushed the toilet and pretended I went there for a pee and just yell out to someone that there's no tp and for them to bring some. If anyone asked about the smell, tell them you farted.

Comment by Chig Champa on October 15, 2007 at 11:12pm: SOCKS! SOCKS YOU FOOLS!!

Comment by Typicalexbf on October 15, 2007 at 7:09pm: I have no idea how to take that last response, as it scares the bejeezus out of me. But in that situation I would have happily used the book.

Somethings gotta give, after all!

Comment by Leon on October 15, 2007 at 1:55pm: If I'm not mistaken (and there's enough of our members from all over the world that can correct me) there are several places in the world where they don't use toilet paper at all.

...And they never shake with their left hands.

Comment by Mr Hatake on October 15, 2007 at 11:38am: first of all, before i go #2, i always check if the seat is down and there is tp. but, if for some odd reason i happen to sit down without checking, i would text message the co-worker i would least be embarassed to ask for help. text messaging would be less embarassing than yelling for help.

Comment by Cyrus on October 15, 2007 at 11:22am: That was very amusing.
And to agree with your response, saying something is too long to read only makes you look dumb. Try reading a book, it lasts longer but helps with the learning.

Comment by Chig Champa on October 15, 2007 at 5:49am: You know when faced with a lack of toilet paper and an unwillingness to make a fool of yourself there's always an option that few people think of: your socks.

Unless you're working for an absolute maniac you'll probably be able to get through the rest of the day without anyone noticing that you're missing half your pair.

Plus, if you're anything like me, you've always wondered what those plush cotton tubes felt like wiping fecal matter out of your crack.
Yuck.