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All Blog Posts Tagged 'freeform' (12)

Freeform Anger: Bedtime Stories

Adam Sandler has become death, the destroyer of worlds.

Farktoid back again with tonight’s Freeform Anger of Bedtime Stories. As a disclaimer, I grew up on Adam Sandler movies. I contend to this day that Billy Madison is one of the single most brilliant comedies of modern history, and anyone who disagrees can jump into that pit in 300. The swan is still looking at me.

But let’s cut to the chase. Bedtime Stories sounds like A Night at the Museum sans… Continue

Added by Farktoid on April 13, 2009 at 1:09am — No Comments

Freeform Review: Dead Space: Downfall

By the look of the ol’ pocket watch my dad’s friend hid in his ass for two years and gave to me, it’s time for another inspiring taste of Freeform Anger. But tonight, I’m not sure how angry I’m going to get.

The almost-feature length animated film Dead Space: Downfall wormed its way to the top of my Netflix instant queue, and we’re going to bask in its gory, gory glory. This is a prequel to the EA Game Dead Space, which was freakin’ awesome and one of the scariest games… Continue

Added by Farktoid on April 7, 2009 at 11:00pm — No Comments

Freeform ಠ_ಠ: Far Cry

How are you gentlemen?! It’s Freeform ಠ_ಠ time! Tonight we dig our spork into another helping of Uwe Boll’s video game crapstravaganza. This time it’s Far Cry. If you don’t know who Uwe Boll is, count your blessings and run screaming from your computer right now.

For the rest of you, yes, Uwe Boll got his greasy sausage-fingers on Far Cry, a game that, while technically outstanding, isn’t really all that fun. It’s a really, REALLY pretty FPS on a tropical… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 31, 2009 at 11:33pm — No Comments

Freeform Awesome: Punisher Warzone

In the grand tradition of Freeform Anger changing shit up, tonight we present Freeform Awesome. Our feature this evening is “Punisher: War Zone,” another apparent reboot of the Punisher movies. And no Marvel hero has gotten more rebooting than Frank Fucking Castle.

A buddy of mine recommended this to me, stating in no uncertain terms that this shit be off the chain, yo. So instead of lambasting poor ol’ Frank as we usually do in FFA, I will be chronicling my Holy Shit… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 28, 2009 at 12:23am — No Comments

Freeform Anger: Epic Movie

In tonight’s “Freeform Anger,” we set the Wayback of Fail Machine back to 2007 and fire our lazors on one of the easiest targets out there: Epic Movie.

This is another of those “Oh God why did they let someone do this” movies from the handjobs who wrote and

directed “Disaster Movie” and “Meet the Spartans.” If you liked these movies, would you kindly GTFO.

Sometimes I feel like Alex from A Clockwork Orange doing these Freeform Angers. Eyes propped… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 26, 2009 at 12:27am — No Comments

Freeform Anger AUDIO EDITION: The Love Guru

Hey Spillios, trying something different tonight. Click the little play button down there and join me in raging against The Love Guru.

And as always, comments and suggestions for more Freeform Anger are always… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 11, 2009 at 6:46pm — No Comments

Freeform Anger: The Hottie and the Nottie

No. I’m not doing this. I’m not mentally prepared for this. No mortal would ever be prepared for this.

Members of Spill, I’m gripped with fear, but I have no choice. The Silver Surfer delivered tonight’s death wish “The Hottie and the Nottie” to my doorstep, with the warning that if I didn’t review it Galactus himself would appear and devour our world. So I hope you’re happy. I’m sacrificing my own soul to save yours.

“The Hottie and the Nottie” stars Paris… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 10, 2009 at 6:00pm — 1 Comment

Freeform Anger: Employee of the Month

Welcome back, Spillensteins, to another unfortunate yet necessary episode of Freeform Anger. Tonight’s feature, direct from the Home Office in the 10th level of Hades is 2006’s “Employee of the Month,” starring Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson. Mensa was sad to lose these two for a couple months while this flick was put together.

Mephisto sent me this movie because of my last FFA “Still Waiting….” He decided I had missed the joy of Dane Cooking. Now I used to like Dane… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 8, 2009 at 5:06pm — 1 Comment

Freeform Anger: Still Waiting...

Welcome back Spillmeisters, It's time for another action-packed rage-fest that I like to call Freeform Anger. Superjail's warden has issued me a copy of "Still Waiting," the direct-to-DVD sequel to "Waiting..." a cautionary tale that taught me to never antagonize my waiter lest any number of bodily fluids find their way into my food.

Seriously, I'm up to a 20% tip thanks to Ryan Reynolds' implied ballsack.

I don't know dick about this thing, so let's just dive right in.… Continue

Added by Farktoid on March 6, 2009 at 6:23pm — 5 Comments

Freeform Anger: Extreme Movie

Okay Spillobears, it’s time for another dreaded Freeform Anger. Tonight’s feature retch-fest is Extreme Movie, a mercifully direct-to-DVD release from the guys what wrote the palatable spoof Not another Teen Movie, and the exceptionally unfortunate The Comebacks. Michael Cera’s in this one, which makes me wonder why he’d be in this and not in the Arrested Development movie currently maybe sorta in the works. Cera, if you’re reading, DO THAT MOVIE. I will give you a… Continue

Added by Farktoid on February 23, 2009 at 3:00pm — No Comments

Freeform Anger: Twilight

Greetings Spillionaires, it’s time for another edition of Freeform Anger. Tonight I’ll be watching that movie everyone loves to hate, Twilight, and jotting notes as I watch.

Now I must preface this by saying that I tried to read the book. I TRIED. I was stuck in an airport for 5 hours and I wanted to see what the hubbub was about. Midway through the book I instead wanted to claw my eyes out. Twilight reads like a ridiculous… Continue

Added by Farktoid on February 11, 2009 at 12:00am — 1 Comment

Freeform Anger: Disaster Movie

This is an experiment on the human mind. One at which I take great personal risk in attempting, or even contemplating. I have a copy of the unrated version of Disaster Movie, from the makers of such gems as Date Movie and Epic Movie. I smell a pattern. A stinky, vomit-inducing pattern. So I, much like Cyrus did, am about to put on my +1 Hat of “Oh God Why The Fuck Is This Happening” and just write… Continue

Added by Farktoid on February 6, 2009 at 9:30pm — 1 Comment