If it's crap ... We'll tell you
The Boondock Saints is probably one of the most underrated action films of all time. To think, there was a point when it almost didn't get made. If you get a chance, check out Overnight, a documentary about the making of Boondock Saints, It chronicles the directors exploits and how he alienates all those around him, namely the big wigs at Miramax who were funding the film. Because of Duffy's exploits, Miramax chose to wipe their hands of the entire situation, dropped funding for the movie and the property was later picked up by an Indie development company, where we got the film we have today. Pretty crazy, huh?
Boondock Saints stars Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus as two Irish brothers that work in a meat packing district in Boston. Think Super Mario Brothers, but a whole lot more grimy and they have pistols and rope instead of plumbing equipment and psychedelic flowers. Come to think, you'd have to be on psychedelic mushrooms and flowers to unclog people's sinks for a living.
After one, of many previous, nights of drinking and being batshit crazy, the brothers are forcefully awaken from a hard slumber of dreaming(presumably) about the motherland and hot redheads with matching carpets holding barrels of Guinness. Two huge Russian guys, who already looked like they made one visit to the emergency room, seemingly beat the brothers senseless and take one(Reedus) out back to put him out of his misery, leaving the other(Flannery) literally chained to the toilet. Apparently, the Russian's weren't too happy(are they ever?) about having their heads cracked open and having fire set to their butts. All to the tune of catchy Irish music. Flannery's character get's all Hulk in the face of adversity and buttfucks the toilet until he unfucks the screws from the damn floor, carries the toilet out to the escape ladder, looks down at his unsuspecting Russian foe... Drop toilet like it's hot and jumps. Yeah he jumps like four stories! The toilet hits the big Russian guy and nearly knocks him out. Then Flannery lands on the other Russian guy and flattens him like, you guessed it, a fucking Goomba. At this point it's safe to assume the Mario Brothers were Irish after all. Who else could pull off bad ass shit like they do? All I can say is I like this version better. Right here, we're looking at maybe just the first ten minutes of the film.
Eventually, after the altercation, the boys, along with their trusted friend Rocco, decide to go into the Mafia killing business and do so in Tarantino-like fashion. The film is filled with gems of quotes along with some of the most memorable shootout scenes suited for an All-Time Top 100. I'm 92% positive you've seen this, so I'll save the rest for you to watch with my tasty pizza pie recipe; complete with instructions and pics!
Food Challenge: Homemade Pizza (Bonus Challenge: Make Two)
So tonight's challenge, we'll be making some homemade pizza pie's! We're trying to do a little theme here, so for this film, we'll be taking inspiration from a memorable scene in the movie; the part where Rocco shot the cat. You know, when they're eating pizza? Did... did you not see the youtube clip? Yeah, okay, now that you know, keep the page open and undo your screen saver timeout because it's gonna be a while.
I know I copped out on not doing a recipe with follow-through instructions on the Ip Man piece, so it made for a small article. Before we start, here are some items for you to take note, and be sure you don't already have it lying around the house. I'd hate for you to double up on something you already had.
2 Cans of Pizza Sauce. 1 can/pack of olives. Really it just depends whether you want fresh or not. 2 boxes of Jiffy Pizza Crust Mix. 1 Bag of Bread Flour. 1 Bag of pepperoni's. 1 Can/Fresh jalapeno's. Half a pound of Ground Meat. Cilantro, fresh or dried and chopped. Fine Grated Blend Cheese. McCormick's Perfect Pinch Mediterranean Herb. Garlic, fresh or granulated. 1 bag of Cheddar Cheese. 1 Bag of Mozzarella Cheese. 1 pack of Fresh Mushrooms. 1 bottle of Olive Oil
Please feel free to add whatever other ingredients you want, as adding bacon or sliced chicken or chopped roma tomatos will do nothing to hinder the process. BUT! If this is your first time, please follow the instructions I've laid out for you. I mean, you do want some excellent pizza right?
The first thing you're gonna wanna do is start on the dough. Warm up half a cup of water for every box of pizza mix you use. Get a nice size bowl, too, because it gets messy. So just unload one box of the Jiffy mix into the bowl, followed by a half cup of water. Hibiki and I did it with warm water, although I've heard using cold water provides better results. Keep in mind, the recipe I read that from also stated to let the mixture sit overnight. Take that as you will. Start mixing the water and mixture together, preferably with a spoon, because your hands will get very sticky. If you don't mind getting your hands dirty, make sure your hands are washed before you dive in, fingers first. Now, once you're done, you should have a nice mound of dough on your hands. Depending how much free time you have, go do something for at least an hour or so. We wasted about 2 and a half hours putting our kid to bed. This would be a great time to buy some of those missing ingredients you'll need or some mozzarella sticks and soda. There's really no time limit for how long you let it sit, but if it's overnight, put some clear wrap around the bowl so the dough doesn't get hard.
So now that you've let the dough sit for a while, whip out some of that ground meat. I bought 1 pound of 93/7 (that meat/fat ratio) but it turned out I still had a quarter pound sitting in the fridge. That's about how much we're using, but like I said before, feel free to add a little more. You'll just have to adjust the heat and let it bake slower for a nice, even cook. Just grab a pan and start cooking the beef at a medium heat. Start mixing in some of those herbs, too. If you already have a favorite way to spice up your meat, use that. About midway through the cooking, meat with such a small amount of fat starts to get dry. Add some olive oil, but not too much, for some extra moistness. This should take you about 15 minutes. Once your done, just set the pan aside. Also take this time to start dicing up some mushrooms and whatever other veggie's you want to pile on. Set them aside as well.
Now, if you have a roller handy, grab it. If not a glass or cup will do. Also, make sure you start preheating the oven at 425 degrees. Grab your dough, place it on a nice flat surface and start flattening it out. Throw a little flour on the counter to assist with the dough's consistency. If it gets too dry, just add a tiny amount of water. Once you got it a little flattened out, you can get all Mario now, bust out your curleh mustache and toss that bad boy in the air. If a hole tears through, just ball it up again and repeat. For me this is half the fun, so just keep doing it until you get it right.
Now that you got the dough in your desired shape(I wanna see some kind of rhombus), place it on a pizza pan and stretch it out if need be. Hibiki, being a pizza maker back in high school, added a little something to the recipe. Pour a little olive oil on the dough and spread it out evenly until you have a decent gloss. Afterward, sprinkle on some fresh oregano, lightly. Toss the crust in for about 3 minutes. Do this so that the olive oil already begins baking into the crust and the oregano starts unlocking it's own flavor. Don't forget to take it out. DO NOT FORGET! I cannot stress that enough. Once your 3 minutes are up, take the crust out and begin spreading the pizza sauce all over. If you try to substitute with spaghetti sauce, well okay but it's gonna taste like spaghetti.
The fun part has now begun. Start throwing on the cheeses as liberally as possible or until you run out. We made two! So the first one, we added a stack of pepperoni's, the ground meat and jalapeno's. I usually like to throw cheese on top to smother, but I figure this time, I'd like to show the end result. Now that you're done topping it, toss that fat baby in the oven and let it cook.
For our next pizza, we still did the sauce and cheeses the same and ran out. Luckily, it was just enough. Hibiki got a little creative and added some provolone slices in between the layer of mozzarella and cheddar. Super Nice! Next, add those chopped olives and mushrooms along with whatever veggie's you added. Make sure you spread it evenly. That's all we did for our second pizza. Again, follow what we did or add a little extra and just show us up completely, if you dare. We let each pie cook for about 20 minutes and they turned out really well. If you want, put on some of that grated cheese or some parmesan, if you have it. Now serve yourself some hearty slices and enjoy the film.
Bonus points if you have dual, silenced pistols.
- Chef Agamemnon Ramsey