Hilarious Quickie Movie Plots!

25TH HOUR: White New Yorkers commit crimes against both law and ethics; feel bad for being caught, rather than for doing it at all.

300: Gays kill blacks.

8 MILE: White man successfully coopts black culture to impress other whites.

A CIVIL ACTION: Underqualified lawyer doesn’t listen to clients, royally botches case.

A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES: Social deviants make life difficult for genius.

A CRY IN THE DARK: Dogs eat baby, confusion follows.

ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.

ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

AMADEUS: Man with health problems receives help from rival.

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Tourist causes riot.

ATLAS SHRUGGED: Selfish industrialist destroys economy.

AUNTIE MAME: Spinster exposes child to sexual fetishists, socialists; thwarts marriage to good Republican girl.

BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.

BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.

BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA: Redneck trucker kills Chinese immigrants.

BILLY ELLIOT: Union worker turns back on strikers for personal gain.

BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.

BLADE RUNNER: Man with no apparent skill stumbles into escaped robots, fails to kill most, fucks one.

BLAKE’S 7: Terrorists fight government, die.

BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.

BOTTLE ROCKET: Mentally unstable man fosters friend’s descent into mental instability, finds love.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S: Pretty redneck girl fools socialites, flirts with gay gigolo.

BREWSTER’S MILLIONS: Black man abuses line of credit.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.

CHANGE OF HABIT: Rock star regrets not looking closer at contract with movie studio.

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.

CHASING AMY: Homosexuality proved to be passing fancy and sign of sexual deviance.

CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.

CHINATOWN: Father desires closer relationship with his children.

CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.

CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”

CLOAK AND DAGGER: Spoiled teens discover drugs make them special.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Petty thief murders religious leader.

CORALINE: Misfit discovers she is special person in a secret world just beside our own.

CORALINE: A girl takes hallucenagenics to escape bad home life

CRANK: Drug addict spends last day in orgy of rape and violence.

CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.

DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.

DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: Aging sadist corrupts, endangers minor, facilitates murder,
destroys superhero comic books for 30 years.

DEADWOOD: Pimp and rapist charms frontier town into eventual fire-based disaster.

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.

DEEP THROAT: Medical anomaly earns woman new friends.

DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.

DEMOLITION MAN: In a future where crime is completely eradicated, a black man steals and murders.

DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.

DIRTY HARRY: Police incompetence allows murderer to go free.

DOCTOR FAUSTUS: Scholar leans nuances of contract law.

DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.

DONNIE DARKO: Hallucinating teen crushed by airplane engine.

DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.

E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.

EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE: Part-time mechanic involves girlfriend in illegal fight club,
risks life of best friend and endangered primate.

FALLING DOWN: Life is difficult for white men.

FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.

FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.

FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.

FIGHT CLUB: Deranged sociopath guides yuppies to their deaths.

FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.

FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.

FREAKS: Acrobat learns value of community.

SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.

GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.

GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.

GLENGARRY, GLENN ROSS: Sales job proves difficult for some.

GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.

GOOD WILL HUNTING: Underemployed genius squanders prestigious job opportunity to chase trim.

GREEN ARROW: Rich white man with Robin Hood fetish goes vigilante.

GREEN LANTERN: Policeman beats up his girlfriend.

GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.

GROUNDHOG DAY: Misanthropic creep exploits space/time anomaly to stalk coworker.

HACKERS: Cybercriminals on revenge kick destroy innumerable jobs.

HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.

HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.

HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.

HE GOT GAME: Escaped convict attempts to embezzle only son.

HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.

IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.

WAR MACHINE: Alcoholic rich white man gives weapons to black man.

IT: Children use horrific murders as excuse to run train on young girl.

JFK: Family man wastes life for nothing in crusade against homosexuals.

JUDGE DREDD: Fascist thug in bleak dystopia is cheered.

JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.

JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.

KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.

KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.

KINDERGARTEN COP: Incompetent left in charge of children, who are eventually fired at by convicted felon.

KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.

KING OF KONG: Dick battles loser over trivia.

LA CONFIDENTIAL: Rapist joins thug in foiling police corruption scheme.

LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL: Retarded man doesn’t know what sex toy is for.

LASSIE COME HOME: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.

LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.

LONE WOLF MCQUADE: Alcoholic assaults local businessman, ruins marriage.

LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.

LOVE ACTUALLY: Prime Minister risks war with United States over a sexy secretary.

MARLEY AND ME: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.

METROPOLIS: Efficient society undone by unions.

MICHAEL CLAYTON: Attorney works against client’s interests.

MILK: Uppity queer dies.

MIRRORMASK: Misfit discovers she is special person in secret world just beside our own.

MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE: Lesbian relationship is harmful.

MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.

NEVERWHERE: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.

O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU: Southern musicians encounter massive flooding and government incompetence.

OBSERVE AND REPORT: Emotionally disturbed man gets woman drunk, rapes her.

OCEAN’S ELEVEN: Gang of career criminals commit act of terror to facilitate robbery and romance.

OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST: Disruptive mental patients treated.

PILLOW TALK: Gay man tricks woman into sex.

POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.

PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.

PRETTY BABY: Young woman’s modeling career encouraged.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.

PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.

RAISING ARIZONA: Convicted felon seduces police officer in kidnapping plot.

RAMBO III: The United States provides arms, equipment and training to the terrorists behind
9/11.

RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.

RAVENOUS: Coward is seduced by cannibal, destroys army outpost.

RED DAWN: Despite shock-and-awe tactics, a superior occupying force is no match for a tenacious sect of terrorist insurgents.

RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.

ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.

ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.

ROBOCOP: Female officer’s incompetence leads partner to be murdered and enslaved by corporation.

ROCKY: White man beats black man.

ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

RUDY: Diminutive athlete patronized.

RUSHMORE: Teen molests teacher, is expelled. Finds love.

SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.

SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.

SCOTT PILGRIM: Emotionally immature musician sleeps with high-school girl.

SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.

SHORT CIRCUIT: Rogue scientist steals top-secret government weapon.

SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon
suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.

SLEEPY HOLLOW: Veteran harassed.

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT: Redneck bootlegger makes mockery of law, sanctity of marriage.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.

SOUTHLAND TALES: Traumitized vet destroys universe.

SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.

STARDUST: Misfit discovers he is special person in secret world just beside our own.

STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.

STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE: Meglomaniac can’t let go of past glory, drives successor to suicide.

STAR TREK III: Military officers steal vessel and destroy it to eliminate a handful of enemies while engaged on an extremely vague rescue mission.

STAR TREK IV: Interplanetary fugitives poach wildlife from a past age to cover up an act of genocide.

STAR TREK VI: Racist military commander past his prime nearly ruins galactic peace.

STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.

STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.

STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.

STRAW DOGS: Immigrant clashes with locals.

SUPERBAD: Boys plan date-rape, sleep together.

SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.

SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.

TAXI DRIVER: Modern dating proves challenging for working class man.

TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.

THE CAT FROM OUTER SPACE: College professors help illegal alien evade authorities.

THE CONVERSATION: Paranoid schizophrenic follows worst possible career path.

THE CRYING GAME: Hairdresser bonds with client.

THE EDGE: Men bond in Alaskan wilderness.

THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.

THE FIRM: White lawyer learns hard work is irrelevant.

THE GOLDEN COMPASS: Critique of Catholicism upstaged by polar bear fight.

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY: Nameless drifter kills American soldier over stolen money, hangs friend.

THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.

THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY: Family abandons beloved pets, forcing them to engage in a
dangerous cross-country journey.

THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.

THE OFFICE: Incompetent boss routinely endangers employees, passes fire-worthy blame, sexually harasses subordinates; is seen as “hero” compared to people who just actually work.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.

THE PROFESSIONAL: Hired murderer sleeps with little girl.

THE STEPFORD WIVES: Woman has difficulty adjusting to suburban life.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3: Civil servant insults and shoots foreigners.

THE THING: Unexpected visitor imposes on workers, their dogs.

THE UNTOUCHABLES: Murderer indicted on technicality.

THE WICKER MAN: Isolated religious community revitalized by newcomer.

THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Kidnapper commits murder several times.

TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.

TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.

TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.

TRAINSPOTTING: Statutory rapist and junkie sifts through human waste, gets enormous sum of money.

TRANSPORTER: Repressed homosexual kills employers.

TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.

BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.

TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME: Father becomes more involved in teenage daughter’s life.

V FOR VENDETTA: Dystopian government overthrown by faceless conformity.

VERTIGO: Stalker drives woman to suicide.

W.: Unspeakable disaster afflicts America. Then terrorists attack.

WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.

WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.

WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.

WEEKEND AT BERNIES: Two employees take advantage of their boss’ hospitality.

WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.

WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

POKEMON: Young boy and wise adoring mentor subject mystical creatures to never ending fights, torture, and brainwashing.

DIGIMON: see above

DINOSAUR KING: Like wise
YU-GI-OH!: (wait this shit had a plot?)

NARUTO: (ninjas, hell it's Harry Potter with ninja's) growing fad to steal money from little kids' parents.

DRAGONBALL Z-GT: enemy wants to rule the world, Goku steps in, they fight, then take up two episodes of standing still and screaming, new power level, Goku defeats villain, villain becomes ally, repeat

STEP UP 2 THE STREETS: No plot, bad acting, more dancing

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: Druggy pirate endangers innocent noble-woman and blacksmith for personal revenge mission

MEN IN BLACK: USA government association hunt down and kill immigrant trying to out food on family table

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: Nerd who needs anger management endangers lives

ATONEMENT: Small girl ruins lives due to sexual frustration.

28 DAYS LATER: Animal rights activists destroy Britain

KIDULTHOOD: The day in the life of a chav

THE BUCKET LIST: Old men use money for personal gain instead of helping others

TROPIC THUNDER: Incompetent actors stop drug ring

GO-BOTS: Robots that transform, not as memorable as the other show.

THE TRANSFORMERS: mass converting transforming fighting robots, vehicle to sell new toys.

THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE: G1-killing, mass advertising Star Wars fueled vehicle to sell new toys.

BATMAN BEGINS: (please read title)

THE DARK KNIGHT: man runs around dressing up like a bat, punishing and exacting his vengeance upon his parents death that occurred nearly 20 years ago on a cross dressing clown and burn victim.

GRAN TORINO: elderly Eastwood, without him shooting a gun (purposely) and a lesson at the end.

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE: two lovers+race against time+romance=oscar gold

HARRY POTTER: bitchy rule breaker is perceived as messiah and rewarded for aforementioned rule breaking.

CLOVERFIELD: ameirca is put in danger

STEP BROTHERS: same as above just with retards

KNOCKED UP: protection is always needed

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO: a film that puts you off cake

DEATH RACE: people race the the death, simple

IRON MAN: millionaire buys robot suit and fights iraq

A TYLER PERRY MOVIE: Black people find Jesus

BEERFEST: Alcoholism fails to rid society of 5 douchebags.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN: An immigrant is assigned a dead-end job, and is forced shag revolting women.

STAR WARS EPISODE III: An angsty psycopath misplaces his Linkin Park cd, children ultimately suffer.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB: Emo kids pretend they have problems

LARRY THE CABLE GUY-HELTH INSPECTOR: Emo redneck pretends to have problems.

SAW I-VI: Assholes are massacred, society benefits.

SPIDER-MAN 3: Tobey Maguire dances, plays piano, oogles women, and eventually remembers he should be fighting crime.

X-MEN ORIGENS: Kent throws himself a party, nobody attends.

ROCKY: White man rapes young spinster, black man beats up, white man; white man still hero.

ROCKY II: Story ended wrong, must fix… white man beats black man, marries woman he raped.

ROCKY III: Black man now slave to white man, white man beats up even bigger black man.

ROCKY IV: Black man killed by bigger white man to motivate first white man to finally beat up a white man. Also, sweaty men running, hugging.

ROCKY V: Can’t decide whether or not to beat up white man or older black man; eventually picks white man.

ROCKY BALBOA: Raped wife dies, old white man beats up much younger black man without consequences; is happy.

THE SANDLOT: Neighborhood Gang Terrorizes Blind Man’s Dog

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM: Drugs improve your life if you don’t overdo it.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER: Deformed boy humiliated and exiled until dictator finds him exploitable.

AMERICAN BEAUTY: man never ends up on To Catch a Predator by being shot in the head by patriot.

LETHAL WEAPON 1: Mel Gibson sucks on a beretta. Not homevideo.

DR STRANGELOVE: We win.

BIG LEBOWSKI: Aggression was not standed

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE: Psychotic female stalker lures her victim by holding his young son hostage on top of the Empire State Building.

THE LION KING: Boy abandons duty to play with loser friends for years. Regains family business by killing uncle.

MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING: Man surrenders all autonomy to bride’s overbearing family.

AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER: Canadian comic beats three weak jokes to death for one hour, then molests corpses of said jokes for another hour.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: Teen assumes false identity, saves family by not having sex with his mother.

SHREK: In opposition to traditional fairy tales, an ugly person is not allowed to marry a pretty person

SPACECAMP: Argumentative kids cost space program billions.

GREMLINS: Small town Americans are endangered by unsafe Chinese merchandise.

AMERICAN HISTORY X: Right-wing militant changes views after homosexual experience.

BIRTH: A lonely woman lusts after a little boy with a secret identity.

BIG: A lonely woman lusts after a little boy with a secret identity.

THE PASSION OF CHRIST: Illegitimate child grows up on wrong side of the law.

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE: Slave owner becomes sympathetic figure after turning to cannibalism.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: Two aging fathers occasionally escape the obligations of family life in the open country.

GATTACA: A man overcomes his physical and mental limitations by lying about his job qualifications.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND: Drug addled child ignores stranger danger

THE DEPARTED: Boston police fail to perform thorough background checks

T2:Judgement Day: Over protective mother learns to trust governor of California before assisting with robot murder/suicide

DISTURBIA: Young pervert invades neighbour’s privacy and ruins his life.

ALADDIN: Poor man finds happiness in pretending to be wealthy.

BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE: Older man helps teen boys cheat on history assignment.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Performance-enhancing substance helps man reach full potential.

COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO: Man wins back fiancee through use of identity fraud.

HELP!: White Britons disrupt non-Christian religious ceremony.

JURASSIC PARK: Sex change ruins tourists’ vacation.

MOULIN ROUGE: Drug-using poet becomes obsessed with prostitute.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN: Pirates motivated by sense of freedom and adventure; rape, pillage, and murder secondary motivations.

ROYAL TENENBAUMS: Father’s deception and son’s suicide attempt bring family closer together.

STRIPES: Poorly-trained, out of shape soldiers vital to nation’s defense.

SCHOOL OF ROCK: Child exploitation builds confidence in elementary school students.

SUPERMAN II: Immigrant in-fighting threatens inner city.

SUPERMAN IV: Nuclear disarmament causes more problems than it solves.

THE FLY: Scientist’s humanity destroyed after using alternative method of transportation.

WONDERFALLS: Failure to treat hallucenations benefits society.

RUSH HOUR: Asian fights crime with stereotyped black guy.

RUSH HOUR 2: See above.

RUSH HOUR 3: See above.