The Texas Last Man Standing Steel Cage Death Match of Awesomeness

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 12:35pm

Wait, what's that sound? I can't hear over all the crowd noise... It's coming from the entrance and it sounds like....BAGPIPES? Who is that coming down the aisle in the suits, looking like Big Winners? That's Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. Who's the dude in the Kilt? That looks like...Rowdy Roddy Piper? Okay, I thought I've seen everything, but we got other wrestlers, movie stars, must be over a hundred people from Glasgow down there playing "Scotland the Brave" on Bagpipes and they're all coming down the aisle and circling the ring. Movie stars, wrestlers, skanks, and a hundred drunk Scotss all circling the ring, who's going to watch these guys wrestle, they're all going to watch the circus OUTSIDE the ring, not the carnage INSIDE the ring!! Okay the bagpipes have stopped, but I still don't see The Guy Behind the Guy...Wait a minute, I recognize that music, it's "Go Daddy-O" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and that can only mean one thing, our last contesttant is coming out, and there he is! The crowd is going nuts over this guy!! It looks like he's got his manager, the voluptuous BDiddy, on one side of him and his valet Fubar Chick on the other. They're making their way down the aisle to the ring. It seems Batman has just decided to calmly rest against the ropes with his arms crossed, taking all this hoopla in. Travis Pickle is talking through the cage to Stephanie, probably going over their strategies one more time. Renegade looks like he's almost 100% fired back up, but it seems to me he is constantly checking out the perimeter of the ring, trying to figure out where Stephanie is in this sea of humanity. Elliot keeps screaming at his hoochies to kiss his boo-boo and make it better. Seemed one girl tried, but when she got a close look at how cut up he is, she lost her Jenny Craig brocolli crepe and puked all over herself, which caused a chain reaction of more skanks puking all over the place. I've never seen so much half-digested nachos and Tic Tacs in my life. Okay, Guy's getting in the ring, looks like nobody is going to mess with him. That's either respect, or they're conserving their energy for when the match really starts. Okay folks, let's go to the ring announcer for tonight's introductions...

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 1:22pm

Laaaadies and Geeeennntlemen, tonight we have the five most popular members of the Spill community and they have all agreed to a Texas Last Man Standing Steel Cage Death match to determine who is indeed the most Awesome member of Spill!!!
First, from Seattle, Washington, weighing in at an unknown weight, because he set the scales on fire - Renegade(TM)!!!
Next, from Gotham City, protector of the innocent, feared by all criminals, weighing in at 285 pounds - Batman!!!
Our next contestant, hailing from Alphretta, Georgia, weighing in at 185 pounds - Elliot!!!
Our fourth contestant, from Edinburg, Scotlan, weighing in at 165 pounds - Travis Pickle!!!
And our final contestant, hailing from Glasgow, Scotland, weighing in at 170 pounds - The Guy Behind The Guy!!!

Gentleman, you have all been made aware of the stipulations to this match and have all signed contracts and waivers concerning any permanent injury or possible death that may occur as a result of tonight's brutal match. If anyone of you wishes to change your mind, now is the time to exit that door, before we lock the five of you in here.

Does anyone have any question?.......

As soon as I exit this door, it will be chain locked, after every two minutes, a weapon or foreign object will be selected at ramdom and thrown into the ring. Gentlemen, good luck, and may God have mercy on your souls!!

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 1:35pm

Okay, folks, I don't know about you, but I'm so nervous my testicles just went up into my body cavity. Elliot has pulled himself up and gotten the blood out of his eyes. It's good to see him back on his feet. This is an eerie moment, they're just standing there, looking at each other, no one is making a move...
And there's the bell!!
Travis Pickle rushes at Guy Behind the Guy and delivers a viscious blow to the back of his head with those hair clippers, you know I totally forgot that he still had them. Seems Travis already has a weapon, and that gives him a distinct advantage. Pickle shouldn't be celebrating so quickly because Renegade (TM) has jumped on his back and is choking him from behind with both hands, Pickle's clothes are starting to smolder and I can see his flesh start to blister from the contact of Renegade's (TM) fiery grasp. Guy is pulling himself up using the ropes and Elliot runs up and delivers a fierce kick to the face and Guy goes back down again. BDiddy and Fubar Chick are yelling at him to get up. Batman seems to be digging around in his Batbelt for something. I just realized this guy's got an arsenel of equipment around his waist and I'm surprised nobody told him he couldn't bring all that into the ring. But hey, who's going to tell Batman whatt he can and can't do? Travis Pickle is desperately trying to get Renegade(TM) off his back his shirt has all but totally burned off, the the smell of his burning flesh can be smelt all though the building, and it's making me hungry for some baby back ribs and cole slaw just the way my Mam-Maw used to make it. Stephanie is trying to throw some more wet Lil' Critters at Renegade(TM) but the linking in the fence is just too small.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 1:46pm

Elliot continues to put a beatdown on Guy Behind the Guy, and the door is opening and we're about to see the first weapon...
Wait who is that? Isn't that Savage? That dude can't stand Guy behind the Guy, who the hell put him in charge of tossing in the weapons? What is that this, it looks like a box or something...WILL ONE OF YOU CRACK WHORES DOWN THERE WITH THE CAMERA GIVE ME A FREAKIN' CLOSEUP ON THAT BOX!!!
It looks like...it looks like a tape recorder, now what the hell is up with that?
Savage tosses the tape recorder to Elliot and Elliot hits the play button and grabs the mike and puts the mike up to the speaker...
"Guy, Guy this is Delores, I know that what you think we had was special, but it never was. I want you to quit calling me and leaving me all your weepy messages, I just can't take it anymore. It's over...do you understand..it's over..."

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know about you, but that sounded like a recording of Guy's former beautiful babe telling him to take a long walk on a short pier.

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Permalink Reply by Sav-vy-bag on May 5, 2009 at 9:48pm

Ha ha!!!

Guy, what a wimp! =P

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 4:05pm

I mean, I was hoping for at least a trash can or a folding chair to get thrown into the ring, but Savage wants to make Guy listen to the "get-the-hell-out-of-my-life" tape on his answering machine and play it in front of 18,000 people, now that's brutal...
We've got a closeup of Guy, it looks like he's weeping, and the crowd is starting to taunt him with chants of "Crybaby-Crybaby-Crybaby"..
Wait a minute, BDiddy and Fubar Chick are rushing up to the cage and they're yelling at him, telling him that they're both in love with him, and that they'll always love him, and as soon as he wins this match, they want to give him a 3-way that he'll never forget. And folks, as we say in Brooklyn, YOWZAH!!
Guy grabs the tape recorder out of the hands of Elliot and leaps to his his feet as he swings the tape recorder in a wide arch and catches Elliott right in the nose. That blood spurted out so hard and so far that it got all over the people at ringside and let's get a close up of Elliot...Jeez, he kinda looks like that little baby alien that came out of John Hurt's gut in "Alien".
Batman is signaling for Travis Pickle to get Renegade (TM) over to his corner. I don't know how much more pain Pickle can take. Renegade's (TM) turned his flesh into something that looks like an overcooked hot dog weenie and he just won't let go of that choke hold. His shirt and pants are gone, and all that's pretty much not burned off him is his "I Love Lil' Critters" boxers. Sweet Mother Mary, he looks bad, but he's getting Renegade(TM) over to Batman's corner and Renegade's (TM) shouting "Yee-Hah! Ride 'em cowboy!" I don't think he knows that something's up...

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 7:25pm

Batman jumps up on the top turn buckle and he's motioning Travis Pickle to get over there. I tell you what folks, I normally don't cuss on live national television, but that Pickle fellow is one tough mother-fucker. Renegade(TM) is right below Batman, and Batman has some sort of wire cable in his hand, and the end of the cable is a noose. He's got the noose around Renegade(TM)'s neck and the metal must be fireproof or something because it looks like it's taut around his neck. Batman hits a button on his Batbelt and the cable is pulling Renegade (TM) up in the air, looks like he's in for some choking of his own. Travis Pickle collapses on the mat, his whole body is smoldering. Renegade (TM) is hanging in the air like a freakin' fire pinada, and he's trying desperately to get loose. Wait a minute, what's that going up the side of the cage? It's Stephanie and she's got the handle of that bag in her teeth and she's climbing up the side of the steel cage. I tell you what folks, nothing is sexier than watching a woman's ass do that sashay as she climbs up a steel cage. I tell you what, Mr. Happy is doing the Rhumba in my Levis. She's positioning herself directly over Renegade(TM) and she's pulling out several jugs of what I imagine is distilled water. She starts pouring the water over Renegade(TM) and folks, you ought to see the steam coming offf of him. But she's screaming at all the supporters around the ring, she's screaming "I need more liquiid!!!" Robert DeNiro runs up to the cage and it looks like he's got Adam West's catheter bag in his hand, and that thing looks full of pee. He slings the catheter bag through the cage and the pee immediately puts even more of the fire out on Renegade's (TM) body. She's up there still screaming "I WANT MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!" and all of a sudden there's a big stir in the Elliot camp. These girls are lifting up their shirts, pressing their boobs against the cage, squeezing their breasts and these ho's are lactating all over Renegade(TM). Seems half these skanks are pregnant and I'll bet a penny against a dollar that Elliot is their baby daddy. Renegade (TM) has been golden showered, lactated, poured on, and folks, it looks like his fire is OUT! That steam is preventing the crowd from seeing who he is, the steam is so intense, but it's slowly dissapating.
Folks, we are going to get a look at who Renegade(TM) really is. ZOOM IN ON HIS ASS YOU BUNCH OF CRACK HOS!!!!! The steam is clearing away, and folks it looks like Renegade has........breasts???? That blonde hair, that "come hither" look, folks we have a real controversy here.
Folks, I hate to tell you this, but Renegade(TM) has an alternate identity....
Renegade(TM).......................................is really KIMBERLY!!!!!!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Elliott on April 23, 2009 at 7:58pm

THE SUSPENSE!!!! Good thing im not losing too bad, and having women as back up helps. Cant believe Renegade (TM) was kimberly. This disscusion is SOOO eye opening

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Permalink Reply by Guy Behind The Guy (Age 86) on April 24, 2009 at 9:57am

I knew there was something odd about Ren! LOL! This good stuff.BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT????

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Permalink Reply by Guy Behind The Guy (Age 86) on April 24, 2009 at 9:59am

Where have I went off to? *reads 3 way part* Ah! Well in that case,I might be gone a while. LOL!

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 24, 2009 at 1:02pm

Guy and Elliott turn their attention Renegade (TM), but he's already digging around in his pockets for something, looks like a pedicure kit. Do I call him Renegade(TM) or Kimberly? What about Kimbergade (TM)? Well, what ever it is, she's going after that wire with some mighty big toenail clippers and it looks like she's cut herself loose. Wait, they're opening the door again and it looks like Savage has a big metal sign or something, I can't tell what it is. Jeez, Kimberly just knocked Savage down trying to get out of the ring and you ought to hear the boos!! Wait...it sounds like the crowd has started a chant, but I can't tell what it is...it soUnds like "RENEGADE (TM) SWALLOWS_RENEGADE (TM) SWALLOWS_RENEGADE (TM)_SWALLOWS". Folks, I have no idea what that means....
Well, I guess Miss Kimberly will be headed back to the Big Easy and maybe represent some tranny synchronized swimming team or something like that...Savage has gotten back up and he's thrown this big sign in the ring but I can't tell what it is. He's tossing it directly to Elliott and I don't know about you, but I think these two weasels had somethings already planned before this match was even started. Guy rushes at Elliott to get the sign out of his hands and now I see what it is, it's the English Flag on some quarter inch thick sheet metal. Who's that up on the ring? That looks like one of the Haiwaian Tropic Girls and she's got a bottle of suntan lotion in her hand. She reaches through the wire mesh and squirts the whole bottle into Guy's face. He's screaming like he just got a Red Bull bikini wax job!!! He's blinded folks and Elliott smacks him in the face with that sign so hard it knocked him back two feet into the side of the cage. Oh shit, here comes BDiddy and Fubar Chick and they've both got folding chairs and the Haiwaian Tropic chick just jumped down off the apron and she's motioning them to "bring it on"! BDiddy sweeps low, catching "Little Miss Skin Cancer" behind the knees, while Fubar Chick comes over the top and catches her on the bridge of the nose!! YIKES!! That broad went up into the air and flipped twice and landed on her face. Let's zoom in on her grill...... WILL YOU ASSHOLES QUIT WORRYING ABOUT HOW MANY TRUCKERS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BLOW TONIGHT TO GET SOME METH AND ZOOM IN ON THAT BITCH!!! Oh man, that's a mess....but you know what, she still has them big tittays, so there's some hope for her and some D-lister. Guy comes off the ropes and Elliot smacks him again with the Flag of England. Guy hits the mat, and folks, he's not moving, and really, Travis Pickle has laid motionless on the mat ever since Batman got him off his back. It is hard to describe Travis Pickle's flesh, it's burned so bad. The skin is black anbd charred, and when he moves, the crispy outer flesh cracks open and there's all this raw pink skin and pus is starting to ooze out between the cracks. Sort of reminds me of the last internet date I had down at the Waffle House, but folks, that's another story... Elliott has turned his attention to the motionless Travis Pickle and slowly, methodically walks towards his corner...

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 24, 2009 at 1:12pm

What is all that racket going on around the ring? What are those girls doing? Folks, it seems the entire group of Haiwaian Tropic Girls are chasing BDiddy and Fubar Chick around the ring. Seems they brought a few weapons of their own. They've opened up a box of tanning bed bulbs, broken 'em off and they're chasing Guy's manager and valet with what literally could be considered broken glass swords. They've got BDiddy and Fubar Chick surrounded and there only one place to go, and there they go, up the sides of the cage and I guess they're going up there with Stephanie. Man, that's three different asses I got to see swim upstream climbing up that cage wall. Looks like Mr. Happy's got some stockpiled memories in his vault of love.They've almost made it to the top, but it seems the Hooter Girls are getting blood thirsty for some action, so they're climbing up all four sides of the steel cage, going after BDiddy, Fubar Chick, and Stephanie.

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