The Texas Last Man Standing Steel Cage Death Match of Awesomeness

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:25am

Comment by Guy Behind The Guy (Age 86) 21 hours ago
A fight to the death was suggested today by Fred Jordon, over the whose the most Awesome member of th

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:26am

Comment by Fred Jordan 19 hours ago
Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages..

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEE YOU READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLEEEEEEEE??

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:28am

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your ring announcer, Fred Jordan, coming to you live from the Frank Erwin Center in Austin Texas. There are over 18,000 screaming, rabid fans here tonight for one reason, and one reason only, to see who is truly the most Awesome Member in the Spill Community. I cannot describe to you how loud it is in here, especially all the members dressed like zombies, and I swear if one more asshole, I mean patron, yells "More Brains!!" in my ear, I'm going to kick his slowly decomposing ass. Then there are the Anime fans, and let me tell you one thing, Asian girls dressed up like butterflies just make me glad to be alive. But I digress, let me describe tonight's match:

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:29am

It's no secret tonight who the five contenders are: Renegade (TM), Batman, Elliot (founder of the Awesome Group), Travis Pickle, and The Guy Behind The Guy. These five brutes are going to be locked in a cage and the last man to be able to stand, unassisted, without passing out, will win this match tonight. Renegade's fans are already lighting their cigarette lighter, a few idiots have snuck in some cans of hairspray and they're flamethrowing a lot of these poor Lord of the Ring fans, but hey, if you're gonna be an elf, you're gonna get your pointy little ears burned. Batman's fans are making their presense felt tonight, especially with their Batsignal flashlights, shining the Batbeacons all over the roof. It seems even Christian Bale and Adam West are sitting ringside tonight, cheering on their man.
Tonight's match is a Last Man Standing Texas Death Match. The ring is going to be totally surround by a steel cage, with a steel roof to prevent any man from trying to climb out. After each contestant has entered the ring, the door will be closed and locked with a steel chain. Once the match starts, every two minutes, that door will be opened, a foreign object will be tossed into the ring, then the door will be closed and relocked. Should any man try to exit the door, they will immediately be eliminated from the contest. Well folks, it looks like the roof has been attached and promoters are inspecting the cage to make sure it's solid. Folks, I hear a lot of booing, but it's simply everyone seeing the Spill fans of High School Musical arrive, who evidently had to have their parents drive them to the match. Well, there go the promoters, we may be underway shortly...

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:34am

Wait, who is that walking up to Christian Bale, why that's Robert DeNiro, wearing a Travis Pickle t-shirt, and he just rammed his fist in Bale's face and Adam West has jumped up on his folding chair screeching like Susan Boyle getting her eyebrows mowed. Somebody get down there and break those two up!! It seems our new Miss USA is here ringside to cheer on Elliot, I guess she likes her men awesome. It seems she's been able to calm down Adam West, and it looks like the police have gotten DeNiro and Bale apart, but Bale keeps yelling "Are you A Professional???" at DeNiro and that's getting about as bad on my nerves as the asshole zombies and that stupid brain thing. Guy Behind The Guy has his entourage of beautiful babies here. It seems the entire community of Glasgow is here, drinking sctoch, wearing kilts and letting all the Asian anime girls have a peek at their shelealeaghs.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:37am

And folks, there go the lights, our match is about to begin...

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:38am

Alright, that music is so loud I can hardly hear myself think, they're playing "Fire" by the Ohio Players and is it him? yep here he comes folks, it's Renegade (TM). There go the cigarette lighters and the hairspray flamethrowers. Hmmm, sems some yahoo came as Predator, and his dreadlocks are on fire. Well, that's what happens to posers. Renegade has lit up the aisle as he walks to the ring and as he reaches for the ropes to pull himself in, the rubber coating just caught on fire. Folks, I'm not a bettin' man, but Renegade (TM) may have this over before the first chair is tossed in the ring.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:40am

Okay, the music's off, there's a spotlight down there at the combatants entrance, but I can't tell who it is. Oh wait, the crowd is chanting "TP_TP_TP" that can only mean one thing, here comes Travis Pickle, mohawk and everything, and he's got his valet with him, Stephanie, and she's got some kind of bag with her. Yeah, you can tell the pickle fans, everybody has a white t-shirt with a green pickle on it, and the pickles got a mohawk. Boy, Travis and Stephanie must have made a killing at the concession stand. Travis is entering the ring and Renegade (TM) starts to charge the door. Travis Pickle looks down at Stephanie, seems they were expecting this and she tosses him the bag. He reaches in and has these little fuzzy things in his hand, what are those? I need a close-up on the monitor, will you tell those baboons on the floor with the TV cameras to put their crack pipes down for five minutes and give me a freakin' close up? There it is, why those are Lil' Critters, Stephanie is famous for making those, but they're dripping wet - it looks like they've been soaked in water. He's throwing them at Renegade(TM) and they're actually partially putting out the fire on the parts of his body where it makes contact. He's running back to the opposite corner and I don't know about you folks at home, but that expression on his face means one thing - fear.

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Permalink Reply by Stephanie on April 28, 2009 at 6:06pm

Oh, shit Fred, This is so funny. I can't stop laughing. This is so awesome.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:44am

Who's voice is that coming in over the speaker? What did he say, "Why so serious?" That's the frickin' Joker, isn't it? How'd he replace Batman's entry music with that? But that means one thing, here comes the Batman. But where is he? Wait, there he his, get the camera on that - Batman is dropping down from the ceiling and has landed on top of the cage - the crowd has erupted in cheers, this is by far the loudest reaction so far. Seems Batman may be the crowd favorite tonight. He leaps off the top of the cage and sails down to the floor and the crowd is going nuts!!!!! Travis Pickle wisely backs away from the door and Renegade (TM) is still trying to blow air on his leg to get the fire restarted. Batman steps in and now we have two contestants left.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:46am

Okay, more music, and I can't tell what it is, wait, it's Reel Big Fish singing "A-W-E-S-O-M-E" and you can tell the Elliot fans, they all smell like chlorine from swimming too much, they're all blondes, and they all have a big yellow "A" on their shirts. I assume it means "Awesome", it could mean freaking "Anal-eze" for all I care. And here comes Elliot, surrounded by the entire Hawaian Tropics girls, every Hooter girl in Austin, and a bunch of other hoochies that I'm afraid I'll get herpes if I look at 'em too long. He's got on a long white cotton robe and as he approaches the ring entrance, one of his skanks takes off the robe and the crowd goes crazy. He's got on a bright yellow Speedo with a red "A" on his ass. The women are going crazy, they love this guy. Well isn't that precious, one of the camermen just zoomed in on his crotch, and folks, he's either nervous, or he's been at the Travis Pickle concession stand for a souvenier gherkin. He's jumps into the ring and Batman charges him from behind.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Jordan on April 23, 2009 at 11:48am

Elliott's standing just outside the ring entrance, blowing kisses at every hoochie-mama he sees, but what he doesn't see is Batman charging him from behind. Batman grabs his blonde locks, jerks him into the ring and slams his face against the cold, merciless steel of the cage. Elliott hits the mat like a cold piece of baloney. Folks, we have our first man out and the match hasn't even started yet! Wait, he's getting up... oh my God, look at his face! That pretty boy persona has left the building ladies and gentleman, because that boy's grill looks like some half-cooked fajita meat to me. I think he's got so much blood in his eyes he can't see, he's wandering around the ring trying to find the ropes. Travis Pickle rushes him and clips him behind the legs and Elliott's down again. Wait, Travis Pickle is running to the side where his valet Stephanie is standing and she's reaching into the bag again. Somebody zoom in on what that is...PUT DOWN THE FRICKIN' CRACK PIPES AND GET ME A CLOSEUP!!! I see it now, it's hair clippers!! Travis Pickle puts a knee inbetween his shoulders, pinning him down and he's giving Elliott a mohawk. The crowd is going wild!! Everyone's shouting "TP_TP_TP_TP" !!!!!! The noise is deafening!!!

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