If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Minor spoiler warning
I am going to be blunt. Piranha 3DD is a bad movie. Some might argue that Piranha 3D was a bad movie as well, but it was fun. It is very hard to pinpoint when a movie is a good bad movie and when a bad movie is just plain bad. If you understood that last sentence, go reward yourself with a cookie. There are certainly bad movies I have enjoyed, hell I am one of the few people who prefers Ang Lee's HULK over the phase 1 canon entry The Incredible Hulk. I certainly enjoyed Freddy vs Jason yet despised the inappropriately titled JASON X.
Here's my theory. A bad movie because entertaining when the movie seems to want to let you in on the joke, sometimes without them even knowing it. a bad movie is when it makes you feel your are the joke. Your not even the punchline, the time you've wasted seems to fill that role. With Piranha 3DD you most certainly feel the director is making fun of you for even wanting to watch this.
The plot: Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) a marine biology student, returns home for the summer to discover that her waterpark, co-owned by her step-father Chet (David Koechner), is being turned into an adult-themed attraction. There are pipes that lead from the river in the first movie to the watermark and piranhas chomp chomp yadda yadda. There is a love triangle between Maddy, her on and off again boyfriend Kyle (Chris Zylka) and her best friend Barry (Matt Bush).
There is a piranha that enters a girl's vagina (vaganha?) and if you are reading this thinking: Ahah that sounds funny ! You are sick like me and will be disappointed. The characters never have any true resolution. They fall off the map and we never go back to them.
There is a fat Mexican dude just humping the swimming pool at the park IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Barry sees him AND LETS HIM CONTINUE. This is NOT funny. A rule of comedy, there has to be a straight man (or at least most of the time). If the stupid character says or does something stupid in the presents of a supposed smarter character, a reaction is needed for audience connection.
The nudity is bad, Well not all. But there are a lot of fake boobs. Badly shot fake boobs. I kid you not, at one point there is porn-star Lisa-ann... der... I mean... unknown woman... who is running away while staring right at the camera.
The 3D is horrible. This is the kind of movie that almost makes me regret buying my 3D TV.
I am going to stop now for the bad stuff because I could go on.
Yes there is some good. I guess the characters of Barry and Mandy are likeable. Christopher Lloyd is a hoot. And David Hasselhoff is actually funny as an egotistical asshole.
I never thought I would say this, but DAVID HASSELHOFF DESERVES BETTER. Now I hate this movie a little more for making that sentence a possibility.