This is an email I received from an Emirati who I promised will remain anonymous. For the thick-headed: I DID NOT WRITE this. Also: Includes adult language.
"If there is one thing I am fucking sick off its the newly minted league of extraordinary Arab world experts getting positively horny every time a member of the Muslim Brotherhood is arrested in the UAE. No no, fuck you, this shit has got to stop.
The nerve on you people, I mean, these puritanical neanderthals have you figured out, really it’s amazing. All any of them has to do is adopt the discourse of democracy and human rights and you fall over each other anointing them the second coming of Martin fucking Luther King. Its astounding, the basic building block of democracy the way I read it is individual freedom and religious liberty, and these people are about as into individual freedom and religious liberty as David Cameron is into helping poor people or Barack Obama is into constitutionally killing US citizens. The MB is very much happy with the configuration of society a millennia or so ago. Why the fuck am I supposed to accept that? Why the fuck should I care about what happens to them? Elections are not some magical one-off transformative pill, really it doesn’t work that way, I mean you fuckers are still trying to get it right. But we are supposed to jump at the opportunity every time one of those bearded Osama disciples harps on about free speech and freedom of association. No fuck that, I’d rather suck the puss out of a wart on the asshole of the decomposed body of General Gaddafi (who by the way, last time I checked was Tony Blair’s best friend till he decided to slaughter Libyans.)
Also, now I understand that some of you decided to develop a conscience (welcome by the way, we never thought you’d make it) and may even feel guilty about the global gang rape your precious little civilization has perfected but please do that somewhere else - nowhere near me. If you feel bad about colonialism, how about reparations? hmmmmm, that could be a start. But don’t force me to accept some idiot you wouldn’t allow within a 500-mile radius from the closest school board meeting as our own version of Thomas Jefferson. Fuck that.
And lets talk about those idiots for a moment. First of all they’re your own goddamned creation. If you hadn’t decided that Mubarak and Saddam (pre-1990, of course) and their gang of merry thugs were a good bet for the bullshit you people peddle for foreign policy we wouldn’t have to deal with them. It’s not our fault you are guilty about what happened to the Jews of Europe, I understand - god I hope - you all feel like shit about that fuck-up (the result of a democratic election, I might add.) But that does not give you the excuse to reject any proposal for some semblance of justice in Palestine that is to the left of Irgun. That will not fucking work.
So no, they are angry and they hate your fucking guts because (among a long list of spectacular fuck-ups cooked up in your ivy league-stamped think-tanks) you thought dropping a bomb on a country stuck in the middle ages is a perfectly reasonable way of ushering in the democratic peace, how is that working out by the way? You spend the better part of an entire decade raising seven kinds of hell about Islamists and the threat they represent to South Park and the Alpine vista and everything in between and we’re supposed to not only embrace them but defend them?!! Man, if you like them so fucking much you can have them.
I mean really, it’s amazing. First you colonize the entire region, then you decide colonialism is so passé so you’re all for independence for all those brown people but only under the rule of sadistic tyrants (remember Mossadegh?) - which is good enough if it keeps the Islamists away, then the Islamists high on the heroin they smoked in Afghanistan (which you invited them to btw) drove planes into your buildings and blew-up your subway systems so you decide it might be a good idea to invade countries to rid them off the Islamists, then you throw a galactic shit-storm when we refuse to celebrate those assholes as magnificent democracy crusaders.
Oh and I know what we’ll hear, the same old sob story about how they “First came for the Jews....” blah blah blah. Shove it, I’m not interested. Listen, if the price I have to pay for keeping those reactionaries away is not being able to ever vote in my entire life for anything more meaningful than than the assortment of talentless dip-shits on Arab Idol, I’m a happy fucking camper. Oh and no, I’m not against political reform, I’m all for it but not if it means that some asshole’s interpretation of a book written 1400 years ago should determine what I can listen to or read, not if it means ripping the social structure of my country to pieces, and if that means waiting for another 50 years then I’m all for it. Oh, and don’t give me that paternalistic bullshit about how I’m falling for the government’s manipulation of the clash between Islamists and Liberals. There is a clash between Islamists and Liberals and its very real, manipulation or no manipulation. We have different ideas about what reform should look like, different perceptions of our government, different understandings of the relationship between the government and the people, and completely mutually exclusive readings of democracy and political participation. This isn’t silly drama over drinking and fucking and how much skin a woman can show in the mall, these are real deep-seated irreconcilable differences. They believe in fuck-all beyond an election. That shouldn’t be surprising because they know as much as we do that exploiting religion and couching their rhetoric in Islamic terms will deliver them to power, after that all hell breaks loose. It is naked hypocrisy, pure and simple. Why should I, considering all this, shed a tear over their arrest?
We like our government! What the fuck do we have to do for you to believe that. I mean it takes a special brand of fuckery to presume that only your system validates government, fuck you, it isn’t the only way. We have our way, it’s been working fine. Now they’re not perfect, everybody fucking knows that. But It’s not just that they’re three-thousand-five-hundred-
sixty-two-trillion-times better than the alternative, they’re also ours. We know them, they know us, we’ve been at this dance for as long as any of us remembers and it for the large part has worked swimmingly. In the end it’s really very simple. The MB has been given enough chances to cut this shit out, if they really want reform there are avenues and channels and everybody knows them, there is no need play hero every other fucking week. If they insist on behaving like each one of them is the incarnation of Che and the government is a carbon copy of Mubarak’s then they deserve everything coming their way. We’ve got a pretty good gig going on and we don’t need them or you to fuck it up. If we have problems we’ll sort them out on our own, you can keep your opinions to yourself.
Oh for Chris Davidson: a special FUCK YOU, get a fucking hair cut."