If it's crap... We'll tell you
Now this is why I am an Atheist.
This is so funny and sad at the same time...
Taken from The Landover Baptist Church Forums (Biggest fucktards in the universe if you ask me)
"What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves
I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.
This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.
So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?
The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.
If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17
The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.
Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!
After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.
I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.
Praise GOD and amen!
-Bob Fore"
I would normally rant and say how wrong this is, but I dont think it is necessary in this case.
Taken from The Landover Baptist Church Forums (Biggest fucktards in the universe if you ask me)
"What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves
I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.
This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.
So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?
The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.
If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17
The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.
Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!
After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.
I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.
Praise GOD and amen!
-Bob Fore"
I would normally rant and say how wrong this is, but I dont think it is necessary in this case.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Bob4God on -
Nonsense, True Christians don't send mixed signals.
Masturbation is a perverted and selfish activity that is as addictive as any drug. Think of all that wasted time and energy that could be spent praising GOD!
Self-abuse is immoral: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. - Matthew 5:28
I suspect most of you are adulterer's by the Bible's (GOD's) standards. Won't you repent and accept the love of JESUS CHRIST?
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Permalink Reply by Bob4God on
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The reason you are so miserable is because you are an atheist. Such an empty and hopeless life you lead!
GOD is really impressing me to witness to you right now. I don't have the time right now, so I will do what any good Christian would do: Give you literature instead:
THIS WAS YOUR LIFE, by J. T. Chick:
http://www.chick.com/cartoons/twyl.html
Chick Tracts are always very helpful and you wouldn't believe the number of hardcore atheists that have been brought to the Cross of JESUS in tears begging for forgiveness because of J. T. Chick! GLORY!
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Permalink Reply by Chig Champa on -
For future reference, you lay on your act a little too thick.
Scale back. It will be far more believable.
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Permalink Reply by Berko on -
I ain't no atheist, but I don't believe in your hateful God. Spread your filth elsewhere!
or else...
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Permalink Reply by Q on -
Or else you'll type in all caps.
Run Bob. Run for your life. You don't want berko typing in all caps.
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Permalink Reply by Q on
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Oh my. Oh dear. And here I thought eddo was taking the cake for being the local overly zealous retard.
You DO realize you'll burn in hell right? If you believe hell exists...and if you FEAR it, then yes...you'll burn. No illusion, prayer, or song and dance is gonna change that.
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Permalink Reply by AntSmasher on
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Permalink Reply by Q on
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Huh? You asked?
Oh, hi. I'm here! :3 Um, but I don't go by "Jesus" anymore. Just a memo...
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Permalink Reply by supermanx1 on -
muhammed?
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Permalink Reply by supermanx1 on
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is that you?
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