If it's crap... We'll tell you
Now this is why I am an Atheist.
This is so funny and sad at the same time...
Taken from The Landover Baptist Church Forums (Biggest fucktards in the universe if you ask me)
"What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves
I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.
This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.
So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?
The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.
If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17
The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.
Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!
After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.
I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.
Praise GOD and amen!
-Bob Fore"
I would normally rant and say how wrong this is, but I dont think it is necessary in this case.
Taken from The Landover Baptist Church Forums (Biggest fucktards in the universe if you ask me)
"What to do if you catch someone pleasuring themselves
I'm rather annoyed (and horrified) at the number of people who ask us what to do when they've caught their son, daughter, sibling or even parent masturbating.
This issue has been addressed over and over again, and while we do care deeply about the private matters of all individuals, the same question getting asked over and over tends to waste space and clutter our forums.
So you've caught somebody doing something bad to themselves. What now?
The first thing you should do is INTERRUPT. Scream at them, tackle them, do whatever you have to do to free their hands from the evil clutch of their privates.
If there is a Bible handy -which there should be in every True Christian home- grab it and smack the perpetrator upside the head with it and then turn to Genesis 38:9, in which GOD obliterates Onan for spilling his seed all over the ground. (Seed is a Biblical term for "semen," GOD forgive me for saying the 'S' word.) This verse only applies to males. If you happen to find a female pleasuring herself, try this verse instead:
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17
The above might also be useful if you find your allegedly Christian son involved in the practice of homosexuality.
Once scripture has been read to the self-abuser, start beating and kicking them, calling for the demon of lust to leave! (I once knew a pastor who would bite the face of the masturbator, so that every time they looked in the mirror, they'd see what they had done to themselves.) As you are administering the beating, force the subject to pray for forgiveness and don't quit hitting them until they have repented! If the person is unable or unwilling to pray, beat them harder! The devil is a tough adversary!
After the beating is complete and forgiveness has been asked, it would be prudent to call your pastor and tell him what happened, so that he can relay to the message to the rest of the church and organize a prayer army to keep the demons of lust away from whoever it was you caught pleasuring themselves.
I hope this is helpful, and I hope we don't have to see anymore pointless threads.
Praise GOD and amen!
-Bob Fore"
I would normally rant and say how wrong this is, but I dont think it is necessary in this case.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Batman on -
Why do people like that say everything sexual is evil?
Masturbating and intercourse are evil?
Why would "God" make us such horny people if we aren't even allowed to act on it?
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Permalink Reply by Andres U. on -
god created sex as a gift, but only during marriage.
satan perverted it. and humans too. yeah i actually believe this.
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Permalink Reply by Andres U. on
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and the bible is silent about masturbation.
i really don't think it's a big deal though.
There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel. -Deuteronomy 23:17
last time i checked, whores and sodomites don't masturbate, they go out and DO WORK!
idiots
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Permalink Reply by Berko on -
My pastor gave a sermon and challenged us to have sex every day for a week. I loved that week
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Permalink Reply by Randy Flagg on -
As a religious person, it saddens me to see so many backwards fuck-ups still around, and making the rest of us look bad.
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Permalink Reply by Latter Day Heretic on -
this guy is fucked up, what part of the country is this church located in ?
i can't believe that some people are this pissed off about someone having a little stroke that he thinks you should kick the shit out of them.
this really is backwards as fuck.
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Permalink Reply by Berko on
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you think thats bad, they also have pictures of mentally retarded infants, and they mock them. I'll post the link.
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Permalink Reply by SpikeGhost on -
okay when and where can someone shoot these people? -_-
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